River Styx Backwards Flow Affirms That The Song 'Friday' Has Catalyzed Armageddon
Vatican City (CHN) - Fifteen year old singer/songwriter Rebecca Black and the small Los Angeles based Ark Music label have completed widespread distribution of a highly coded message that will most certainly bring about the end of the world according to Biblical experts.
"The 'Friday Video' (below) has reportedly reached all intended targets and Satan's minions are believed to be making final preparations to destroy the earth," reports Vatican scholar Arthur Vandros.
A provision in the United States Patriot Act helped identify the video early on but it was far too late to stop the song from radiating globally because "it is so incredibly bad, you absolutely have to see it," admitted U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon as he ominously ordered all UN peacekeeping soldiers to report to duty.
The Macabre-esk song lyrics, now widespread, were brilliantly simplified by Black to call for the immediate opening of the Gates of Hell, according to local Ghoul Thor.
Thor notes that the opening of the song (Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ar- Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah-Yeah, yeah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah, yeah, yeah) is a well know call to Satan's henchman to assemble.
However, Thor adds that the certainty to bring about the apocalypse itself was carefully woven in the concise 'end of week' message:
Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after...wards
I don’t want this weekend to END
Christians were hoping that Rapture and the second coming of Christ would pre-date the now eminent end of the earth. Sources say that widespread attempts to speed the return of Jesus with videos from Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian have been a total failure. In a last ditch effort, The Pope has requested that Rebecca Black at least let mankind continue until December 12, 2012 (the end date of the Mayan calendar); sources indicate that Black is unresponsive and so excited.