Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Congress Passes Landmark Bill To Replace Electoral College With ESPN Sportsnation

New System Will Allow People To Vote At Work While They Are On The Internet Anyway

Capitol Hill (CHN) - As expected, legislation to completely overhaul America's election system and fundamental basis of existence has been quickly passed after 30 minutes of deliberation.  The final vote of 432-3 was registered just prior to lunch. 

The entire bill from conception to final vote took just two days as California Congressman Brian Bilbray sent a text message to an ESPN web developer that was friends with his daughter asking, "Hey could this be used for any kind of voting?"  Moments later the text was reportedly answered, "Sure, I guess".  

Congressman Bilbray had big thoughts after voting firmly 
against assumed Pollack Rob Gronkowski

ESPN's Andy Katz confirmed that the sports news network had been contacted but that he has "absolutely no idea how any of this will work; except that it will likely be perfectly simple, easy, and accurate".  

Admirers of the electoral college are expected to release a slow and partly accurate statement through an ancient and complicated system of communication sometime next month.

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Monday, December 5, 2011

Penis Tree Found

Local Lesbian Strikes Gold

Philadelphia, PA (CHN) - Botanist Rachel Orcutt, longtime curator of the Fairmount Park Horticultural Center, has been on a very specific hunt for the better part of three decades.  A penis hunt to be exact.

"Many have found satisfaction with cucumbers and bananas but those wonderful foods were not the answer for me," explained Orcutt to CHN.

Orcutt has been searching for an organic replacement to the male penis for most of her adult life
So where is the penis tree located?

"My lips are sealed," says Orcutt.  But after a few moments of silence she added "I mean, some of my lips are sealed".

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