CHN

Congress Passes Landmark Bill To Replace Electoral College With ESPN Sportsnation

2011-12-14T17:14:00.000-08:00

New System Will Allow People To Vote At Work While They Are On The Internet Anyway

Capitol Hill (CHN) - As expected, legislation to completely overhaul America's election system and fundamental basis of existence has been quickly passed after 30 minutes of deliberation. The final vote of 432-3 was registered just prior to lunch.

The entire bill from conception to final vote took just two days as California Congressman Brian Bilbray sent a text message to an ESPN web developer that was friends with his daughter asking, "Hey could this be used for any kind of voting?" Moments later the text was reportedly answered, "Sure, I guess".

Congressman Bilbray had big thoughts after voting firmly
against assumed Pollack Rob Gronkowski

ESPN's Andy Katz confirmed that the sports news network had been contacted but that he has "absolutely no idea how any of this will work; except that it will likely be perfectly simple, easy, and accurate".

Admirers of the electoral college are expected to release a slow and partly accurate statement through an ancient and complicated system of communication sometime next month.

Penis Tree Found

2011-12-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

Local Lesbian Strikes Gold

Philadelphia, PA (CHN) - Botanist Rachel Orcutt, longtime curator of the Fairmount Park Horticultural Center, has been on a very specific hunt for the better part of three decades. A penis hunt to be exact.

"Many have found satisfaction with cucumbers and bananas but those wonderful foods were not the answer for me," explained Orcutt to CHN.

Orcutt has been searching for an organic replacement to the male penis for most of her adult life

So where is the penis tree located?

"My lips are sealed," says Orcutt. But after a few moments of silence she added "I mean, some of my lips are sealed".

EU Leaders Solve Debt Crisis But Worry About Long Term Costs Of Selling Children To Gypsies

2011-11-30T10:17:00.000-08:00

Crisis Averted On Final Day Of Talks

French PM Sarkozy Delivers A Down Payment

BRUSSELS (CHN) - European leaders have finally capped debt woes that began in Greece two years ago and spread to other larger economies, most notably Italy. The latest bout of turmoil to afflict the Eurozone came last week after Italian and Spanish Governments had to pay significantly more to get investors to part with their cash via bond sales.

"The final scenerio of selling off the children was really the only option we had all along," said German Chancellor Merkel. Other ideas floated this week included plans for the eurozone's six AAA-rated nations to pool their resources via a joint bond to provide a series of weekly Groupons to it's most indebted members.

Also under consideration was a fast-track move to install Government controlled crack cocaine vending machines throughout public school systems. Germany is still pushing for a combination of those settlements in return for selling their children, a burden that some German voters believed to be unfair.

Critics of the plan see larger issues; "The danger of selling 40-50 million children all at once is that the final sell cost per child will drop far below current value," says BNP Paribas analyst Mark Andrews. "Greek and Italian Children should have been carefully sold at market demand starting in 2008; so now you have an oversupply of children coming to the Gypsy market along with the larger issue of Spanish and Portuguese children fetching lower prices because they are dumber and dirtier," explained Andrews before adding "even Gypsies have standards".

Gypsy Leaders Celebrate Their First Ever Legal Transaction

Labor leaders were warm to the final arrangement that will allow retirement ages and pension packages to remain untouched throughout EU member states.

Back in the U.S. the Obama administration has urged support for the plan but has not indicated any specific help other than administrative for final dealings with the Gypsy leaders. Critics of the plan say that default is still on the horizon because the Gypsy population has little or no cash on hand and because you simply can't deal with Gypsies.

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates: Facebook.* Twitter * Home

Politics: 29 Of Herman Cain's Illegitimate Children Come Forward

2011-11-29T07:02:00.000-08:00

Group Represents Nearly All Of Cain's Offspring Currently Living In Eastern Kentucky

Cain Descendents Trace Heritage To A Weekend Fast Food Convention In 1978 And An Overnight Stay At A Marriot Following A Flat Tire In 2002

Cod Liver Oil Enters Year 62 of Sales Slump

2011-11-18T12:23:00.000-08:00

General Disappearance of 'Rickets' And Growing Respect For Children's Desires Seen As Key Factors

File Photo: Cod Liver Oil Bottle Filled With Urine

Nova Scotia, Canada (CHN ) - It was once described as 'The Cure All of Cure All's', but the last six decades have been nothing but agony for North America's cod liver oil industry.

"I think it was Shakespeare that started that book 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times'... I have to tell you, it's been the worst of times for a really long time," said Niles Herring, fourth generation cod liver oil businessman.

"This industry was a gold mine," said Herring as he looked back on old family photos from the early 20th Century.

In the company's heyday, prior to mid-century, Herring's family had 600 employees and four factories.

"Now all that's left is the old fish gutting tables and a broken down 1961 Mack Delivery Van. I should probably sell whats left for scrap, but I would have to share any proceeds with 28 extended family members that still hold shares in the company," says Herring.

"All we had to do back then was put some black and white photos of kids drinking this stuff right next to the cigarette adds in Life Magazine; now the only advertising we do are free adds on Craigslist where we pretend to offer erotic Asian massage as a method to build credibility with new customers." - Niles Herring

But unlike many business's that have seen factories move abroad for cheap foreign labor or easier access to prostitutes; the cod liver oil industry seems to tell a much larger story about Western culture and it's many failures.

We used to force a spoonful down the throat of every child in the neighborhood," remembers Edna Cartwright, an 86 year old great grandmother of 9. Mrs. Cartwright, like many of her 'Greatest Generation' counterparts handled child rearing 'a little bit different'. "We gave em what was good for them," shouted Cartwright in a no-nonsense tone, "None of this sugar pop, video games, and a first blowjob by the age of 15".

During Better Times, The Cod Liver Oil Industry Was The Primary Method Of Pissing Off Kids

Herring and his defunct family business seem to agree; "It's a change of culture and values," Herring continued, "Even with today's high levels of Mercury; kids should still have at least one spoonful of fish oil forced on them from each person over the age of 40".

When asked why he never entered the lucrative fish oil capsule business Herring seemed to accidentally spill coffee on his crotch and then ran out of the room.

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Breaking News: Sandusky Cleared Of All Charges Following Costas Interview

2011-11-15T11:08:00.000-08:00

Pennsylvania Grand Jury 'Feels Terrible' For The Pain They Must Have Caused Mr. Sandusky

State College, PA (CHN) - A long list of mea culpas will be going out today following the complete clearing of long-time Penn State Defensive Coordinator and Founder of 'The Second Mile' Youth Charity.

Sandusky, came completely clean with Bob Costas

Jerry Sandusky had been mistakenly charged with a litany of child rape and sex abuse charges spanning a 15 year time frame just last week.

In a telephone interview with NBC's Bob Costas Mr. Sandusky finally broke down and told all:

"I could say I have done some of those things...I have horsed around with kids I have showered (with) after workouts. I have hugged them, and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact."

When pressed, the 67-year-old Sandusky said the only thing he did wrong was having "showered with those kids."

Just a few hours after the interview, and after a short follow up phone call with Bob Costas, the Grand Jury Indictment and all charges were formally dropped by embarrassed prosecutors who now have a lot of apologizing to do to Mr. Sandusky.

McQueary And Paterno Back At Practice Tuesday

"I knew this whole thing was bullshit from the get go," said Penn State Alumnist Charles DeWitt. "For days we've been having candlelight vigils, donating money to child protective services, and we even wore blue to Saturday's football game... What a complete waste of time," concluded DeWitt.

"I'm so glad to hear that the 8 victims described in the original indictment and the 10 others that have come forward this week are all liars," said re-instated Penn State University President Graham Spanier who was initially fired for generally not giving a shit about kids being raped.

But Spanier was not the only person relieved to find out that Sandusky was completely innocent of all wrongdoing. Mike McQueary, who initially reported seeing Sandusky 'anally rape' a young boy in the Penn State shower facility, was also glad to find out that he was mistaken.

"In retrospect, I thought that I had witnessed Sandusky raping children on several occasions that I never even spoke about or reported. He continued, "The relief to know that I was either just seeing things, or that someone else was raping those kids... well, it really takes a load off my shoulders."

Joe Paterno will retake the Penn State Sidelines this week as the Nittany Lions go on the road against Ohio State. Those close to Paterno say that he plans to achieve 'complete and total retribution' against the University Trustees that fired him via a phone call prior to last weeks loss to Nebraska. It is assumed that Paterno also has rescinded all thoughts and prayers to the victims and their families as has Penn State Faculty and Students.

The mothers of Victims #1-18 have refused to respond to CHN as of press-time; it is assumed that any remarks from them would be a complete fabrication.

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Playboy Hires NASA Scientists To Help With Lohan Picture Touch Ups

2011-11-09T09:15:00.000-08:00

NASA's Most Audacious Challenge Since Consulting On Apollo 13 Movie

Beverly Hills, CA (CHN) - Playboy Enterprises Inc. has joined with the National Aeronautic and Space Agency to find a method to legitimately display images of Lyndsay Lohan in a glamor magazine. NASA agents were somewhat familiar with the subject as they had previously used the Hubble telescope to spy on Lohan's tits back when she was 17 and hot.

Some photos will actually be "photo-shopped together with images of Hugh Hefner because of the similarity in color and skin texture," according to NASA project specialist Omar Odwalli.

The issue is due to hit newsstands within the next 9 years at a budget forecast of 3.2 trillion dollars.

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates: Facebook.* Twitter * Home

What Are We Are Doing To Delay Engagements?

2011-11-08T11:38:00.000-08:00

Men Trying Older Proven Methods As Well As Contemporary Ideas To Prevent Marriage

Gottman Relationship Institute (Seattle, WA) - A struggling economy, generational shifts in marriage, and the likely possibility of sluts in the neighborhood has pushed the average age for first marriages from 19 in 1950 to 26 in 2011.

Displaying the fetal position (especially in public) continues to be a trusted response to any female request

National relationship expert Dr. John Gottman explains that men are having more and more success stringing women along thanks to information sharing on Facebook and other social networks.

"After thousands of years with nearly no communication between their male counterparts; men have begun to work together to develop methods to fend off marriages; the results have been remarkable," concluded Mr. Gottman.

Other conclusions from Gottman confirm that the availability of sluts in both cities and rural areas along with the advent of free unlimited porn can keep men satisfied for most of their adult lives. But Gottman does agree that most men will need to settle down eventually for the purpose of geriatric care and for the raising of any children that can be tied to men via DNA evidence.

Until that day comes; Gottman shares his Top 9 methods to delay engagements with CHN readers:

Mention the growing desire to restart that porn website idea that had so much promise in 2002
Stare at waitresses asses 50% longer than previously
Pets all seem to be dying on your watch
Stare at waitresses tits 75% longer than last weeks 30% increase
Spend a lot more time huddled into a corner of the attic listening to New Kids On The Block
Let those unemployment checks go ahead and run out
Have kids with past girlfriends/wives
Invite your mother over to review girlfriends cleaning habits
Incontinence

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates: Facebook.* Twitter * Home

Women Struggle To Wash Down Salads That They Ate While Smiling

2011-11-05T00:17:00.000-07:00

Previously: Women Laughing Alone With Salad.

David Freese Realizing That New Corvette Only Allows Him To Bang One Chick At A Time

2011-10-29T07:04:00.000-07:00

Requesting To Swap The MVP Prize With Some Sort Of Bus/Van


Freese, above, had no way to know how much sex he was going to be offered when he accepted the Chevy Corvette

TUNE IN LIVE to CHN On Facebook For World Series Game 7 Play By Play

2011-10-28T16:37:00.000-07:00

JUST CLICK HERE

Ghost Of Gaddafi 'Far Less Frightening' Than Libyans Anticipated

2011-10-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

Former Leader's Ghost Showing Up In Well Lit Areas And Generally Singing Rather Benign Aretha Franklin Songs

Gaddafi On Facebook

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates: Facebook.* Twitter * Home

Business: Top 10 Signs Your Employees Are Having Sex On Your Desk

2011-10-27T09:13:00.000-07:00

10. Rolodex Looks Disheveled Every Monday

9. Various Sets of Breast Imprints Keep Showing Up On Your Monitor

8. Phone Earpiece Has Some Really Wierd Goo On It

7. Used Condoms In Your Coffee Cup

6. Web History Shows Extremely Romantic Playlist On Netflix. You Don't Have Netflix.

5. Un-Used Condoms Under Your Label Maker And In Every Desk Drawer

4. Shredder Basket Always Seems To Be Full Of Shredded Underwear

3. Your Stapler Is Sticking Out Of Your Receptionist's Butt

2. Every Time You Come Back To The Office Everyone Is Smoking Cigarettes

1. Jizz Everywhere

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates: Facebook.* Twitter * Home

Barack Obama Keeps Checking With Extended Family To See If His Name Should Have One 'R' or Two.

2011-10-16T14:07:00.000-07:00

Prayer Changes Fucking Up All Kinds Of Shit At Local Church

2011-10-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

Catholic Parishioners Believe That Third Edition Of Roman Missal May Be Bullshit

Culver City, CA (CHN)— It has some traditions that are over a thousand years old, but now the Catholic Church is undergoing a remodel of some of it's most basic weekly rituals. Familiar words said within Catholic mass will indeed soon change with the adaptation of the third edition of the Roman Missal, a book that dictates Sunday service's worldwide.

File Photo: LA Cardinal Roger Mahoney who
has still never gone to jail as of presstime

"I don't know a lot yet," said longtime church member Phil Gardner, "but I understand that it's going to bring some of the Latin phrasing back and change the translations to several parts of the responsorial prayers."

He continued, "This will likely result in a lot of fucked up responses and confusion, I mean was God listening last week when we all apparently said the wrong damn thing?"

Mr. Gardner does not seem to be alone. Saint Peter elementary student Martina Rios told CHN that she basically "just sort of figured out what is happening at Church, and now I have to learn all sorts of new fucking bullshit."

Janet Garcia, a 66 year old member of the Saint Josephs Choir, had a firm message for church leadership, "I think that the Pope should have sent us a picture of his balls along with this bullshit request to change the Church Service. After six decades of consistent prayer it seems to me that it would require a huge set of fucking balls to ask me to change my weekly regiment."

An undisclosed Vatican Survey from 2006 seems to be behind the new Missal. However, the request to re-translate historic Latin text seems to have been one of the lesser requests by English speaking Catholics worldwide who have long been struggling with controversial policy such as birth control.

Thirteen year old Altar-Boy Niel Salmons says that the changes he would most support are, "the shortening of Mass to 30 minutes and to not relocate priests accused of anal rape to other congregations where they will likely continue to perform anal rape on children".

Lindsay Lohan Rep Assures That If Critics Had Any Idea How Bad Her Vagina Looked That They Wouldn't Say Word One About Her Teeth

2011-10-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

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Dolphin Intelligence Questioned After Failed Tracheotomy Operation On Snorkler

2011-10-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

Botched Surgery Proves 'Less Than Satisfactory' Understanding Of The Otolaryngological Procedure

Marina Del Rey, CA (CHN) - A pod of 6 Pacific White-Sided Dolphins en-route from Alaska to Baja California may have given experts all the information they need regarding the decades long question surrounding the intelligence of dolphins.

The scene played out right in front of local beach-goers Tom and Nancy McClellan who noticed a snorkler struggling to stay afloat after a rogue wave pushed him hard into the rocky surf and then pulled him offshore. "We knew he was in trouble when we saw that wave coming in. He must have gone under for 30 seconds or so before those good for nothin' dolphins brought him to the surface and performed unsuccessful surgery on his windpipe".

Developed Photos From The Divers Camera Likely
Shows The 6 Dolphins That Set Back The Entire Species

In the end the McClellan's were right; the diver did not survive the multi-hour ordeal and now local residents have had to admit that dolphins (and sea mammals in general) may not be as 'smart' as once thought.

Coast Guard Captain Monty Stern was on his break just South of Venice Beach when 2 of the dolphins approached from his starboard bow and frantically started performing flips and high pitched squeaks.

File Photo From TV's Baywatch

"It was pretty annoying," recalls Stern who said "the fish kept swimming out and then back, back and forth like they really wanted me to follow them".

Ninety minutes later Stern was one of the first to reach the injured diver after an additional dolphin and a Grey Whale pushed his 22' cruiser to within site of the accident victim.

Preliminary autopsy reports show that the cause of death was trauma and a crushed larynx. The diver has not been identified at press time pending next-of-kin notification.

The Los Angeles Coroners Office has confirmed that the dolphins tried to perform an emergency tracheotomy. "Honestly this is probably the worst thyroid cartilage incision I have seen in recent years," said Coroner Greg Faulk. He continued, "Everything I see here confirms what witnesses on site viewed; a generally non-sterile procedure performed by poorly trained Cetacean's".


Successful Operation Requires Delicate Incisions And Fine Motor Skills According To Human Surgeons

"Suffice to say, we are disappointed and shocked," admitted Marine Biologist Herb Crooner. While the dolphins did do some things right such as protecting the vocal folds and stabilizing the tracheal rings; the fact is humans have been able to perform this surgery for nearly 100 years and for almost 50 years without high incidence of infection. "I guess some people might be happy to say that a fish is as smart as humans were in the year 1900, but I don't think that's going to get more people through the gates at SeaWorld".

But ten year old boogie border Skyler Crane disagreed. "The dolphins tried really hard to save the man who couldn't talk". "They swam to me and pushed me over to help, but I was kind of scared". "One of the Dolphins pushed my board under the man to keep him up while the others opened his neck and put a piece of wood or a straw into his neck. Right before the man stopped moving one of the dolphins pushed my hand to touch the man's hand and he squeezed it. Then the dolphins swam around us very slowly and then they swam away when the boat came".

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates: Facebook.* Twitter * Home

Nobel Committee Mis-Schedules Peace Prize Announcement With 'Crazy Hat Day'

2011-10-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

CHN Reminds You To Think Before And After You Drink And Drive

2011.

Spontaneous Orgasms Causing Public Safety Nightmare In Wisconsin

2011-10-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

'Perfect Storm' Of Sports Victories To Blame

Badgers 'Gangbang' Tackling Style Only Worsened Crisis

Milwaukee, WI (CHN) - Governor Scott Brown took to the airwaves for the 2nd time in the past 24 hours to urge residents across the state to keep transportation lines clear so that first responders could reach thousands of people injured or displaced by an onslaught of orgasms affecting nearly every citizen in 'America's Dairyland'.

The orgasms, were thought to have peaked Saturday evening following the Wisconsin Badgers total dismantling of the rival Cornhuskers in front of a national tv audience. "If anyone had blue balls after that game, well they just aren't human," said 3rd year pre-law student Sandee Westfield who found a front yard hose to wash off her feet and face after leaving Camp Randall Stadium.

Accidents on Wisconsin highways and major cleanups at local sports bars made travel and food safety a challenge Saturday night but officials were optimistic that spent fans would stay home and rest Sunday.

However, despite the numerous warnings to masturbate before Game 2 of the Brewers/Diamondback game it appears that the caution had little effect as massive and repetitive orgasms by both men and women triggered a hysteria of slip and falls and smoking incidents during the 5-run Brewer 6th inning Sunday afternoon.

Manager Ron Roenicke begged fans to remain calm in a postgame interview. But after Roenicke watched a replay of Jonathan Lucroy's safety squeeze during the ESPN recap his only discernible on air comment to Suzy Kolber was "oh fuck....oh my God.... shit, oh, oh. fuck".

Just moments earlier, across the state in Green Bay fans were treated to an afternoon delight extraordinaire as the Super-Bowl defending Packers crushed the Broncos to remain undefeated.

Aaron Rodgers Boyish Good Looks and 6 Touchdowns
Had Fans Dumping Viagara In The Gutters And Begging For Mercy

PA announcer Gary Kincaid urged Packer fans to think of nuns playing poker following the National Anthem. However, the warning fell on deaf ears as the Green Bay Cheerleaders were nearly drowned following the 'pick-six' by Charles Woodsen at the end of the 1st quarter.

Women Statewide Are Said To Be 'Shaving' Like Bernie

"We never really thought that this could happen here," said State Health Official Robin Taylor. She paused in confusion but later added "everyone around here is always so drunk, it just didn't seem like a realistic threat".

"I had no-idea I could squirt like that," admitted Brewer season ticket holder Samantha Miller. "I would have apologized to the guy in front of me, but he had already laid down on the concourse cement for a nap.

Middle school boys are not expected to return to class for several weeks. State officials are promising delivery of kleenex and high pressure sprayers by Tuesday. Hardest hit are the elderly who 'just don't have the means or desire to clean up' according to sources.

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates: Facebook.* Twitter * Home

Extremist Math Group Vows Total Eradication Of Logarithms

2011-07-13T16:02:00.000-07:00

Exponential Functions To Be Cleansed Forever Says Nerd

CHN - Sweeping support by American 11th grade students and somewhat dumber 12th grade students has been pivotal to the group identified as the 'Fixed #'s' by the Department of Education.

But many straight edge dorks have warned that while the loss of many key mathematical functions sounds attractive in the short term; the long term implications could be entropy and chaos.

John Napier the inventor of the 'Logarithm' in an undated CHN File Photo

"We know what they are after; their ultimate goal is to fuck with Pi," says Los Angeles County Superintendent Sheila Ramirez. She continued, "That aint happening on my watch! 3.14 is 3.14... End of story.

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates: Facebook.* Twitter * Home

NASA Budget Confirmed For Journey To Center Of Earth

2011-07-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

Agency Is Already Well Behind African Child Miners

Houston (CHN) -- With the Atlantis Space Program coming to an end and nearly all funding gone; NASA is going all in on one last adventure. "We are heading to a place that no man has been, a place that we were once were very confused about," said NASA administrator and night security guard Charles Bolden.

Preliminary Testing Just North of Houston Has Already Begun

In many ways this will be similar to past NASA missions and a firm budget of $800.00 has been allocated by Congress. But with just 10 years to complete the journey, some are wondering if NASA can continue it's hotstreak of success over the last 50 years whereas it went to the moon a few times and then lost the ability to go to the moon.

"The pressure is on," admitted unpaid intern Lori Garver. She continued, "This is a mission that people really wondered about many generations ago before we had good scientific data on what the earth was made of".

Although most of the engineering, design, testing, command and robotic teams have all been laid off, the agency most likely believes that it can meet the challenge ahead. However, CHN staff were unable to confirm that presumption by press time as all calls to the public relations department were answered by Russians aboard the space station.

The expedition is currently slated to begin next winter (when the center of the earth should be cooler) and is expected to consist of digging, wandering through caverns, and digitally remastering several scenes from the 1959 classic film starring James Mason, Pat Boone and Arlene Dahl.

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Boeing Closes Deal On 320 Unit Order With Radio Shack

2011-06-23T09:20:00.000-07:00

Announcement Made Just After Airbus Confirmed A Record $72B In Orders At Paris Air Show


Radio Shack Has Requested That Boeing Either Leave The Models Generic Or Write The Word 'Airbus' On Them

Chicago (CHN)- Airbus executives are celebrating a record sales performance in Paris Thursday morning but that hasn't kept arch-rival Boeing from taking the lead in relatively untapped 'non-flying (budget based) model plane category'.

The deal with Radio Shack has already reached a preliminary agreement of 320 units at a cost of $12.00 each and could expand to 1,000 units over the next 10 years as cash strapped consumers look to buy non-flying model planes vs. the current higher cost flying models.

While the new Boeing models are not engineered for any sort of flying or gliding, Boeing CEO James McNerney believes that the models could be thrown anywhere from 10' to 15' for children ages 10 and up.

Airbus did not comment on any future plans to challenge Boeing in the segment; however a company spokesman did take a short break from the 36 hour company wide cocaine and prostitute party to mention "Oh shit, what's happening, what's happening around my body".

Boeing has firmly denied speculation that the units were just left over freebies from last years company pot luck and gunny sack race.

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates: Facebook.* Twitter * Home

Biden Embarks On 6 Month African Trip To Teach 'Pull Out Method'

2011-06-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

Vice President To Focus Education On Young Virgins

File Photo: Biden Chats With Local Black Girls

Washington D.C. (CHN) - With unemployment and a sloughing economy putting a drag on the Obama re-election campaign, the White House announced today that VP Joe Biden will be leaving the country for an extended period of time to address 'serious concerns' with prophylactic shortages in Africa.

Biden, a long time activist for AIDS prevention, has been studying unconventional birth control methods for years and plans to share all that he can according to staffers. Upon his return, the Vice President hopes to embark on a nationwide middle-school tour where many of the same techniques could prove useful here at home.

CHN. 2011. News Updates: Facebook.* Twitter * Home

Hillary Clinton Spending 4 Hours A Day Pressing Huma Abedin Firmly Into Her Bossom

2011-06-16T07:01:00.000-07:00

Washington D.C. (CHN) - Just days after their return to Washington, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and aide Huma Abedin continue to spend copious amounts of time together. Indications are that nearly all of that time is spent on the chase lounger in Clinton's State Department Office with the elder Secretary of State firmly embracing the newlywed Abedin.

It's been nearly 3 weeks since the sexting story of Abedin's husband, New York Congressman Anthony Wiener, broke; but there is still no official estimate on the longevity of Clinton's tender multi-hour twice daily caressing sessions.

Although many close to Abedin believe that she is well recovered and that she was previously aware that Weiner was a douche-bag; Clinton has blocked out most of her schedule indefinitely for the private one on one counseling and has remanded staff to ignore all calls from husband Bill should he ever call. Un-named sources indicate that Clinton forces Abedin into the fetal position prior to carefully stroking her hair, shoulders, and hips - all the while repeating "There, there... There, there".

For his part, Bill Clinton has also made every effort to reach out to Abedin; no official meeting has been scheduled as of press time.

CHN_NewsBreak.2011

Norman Schwarzkopf: "I'm Sitting By The Phone; I Mean, If You Need Anything"

2011-05-27T15:38:00.000-07:00

Gulf War Central Commander Would Sort Of Like Everyone To Know He Has Some Extra Time

CHN File Photo of 1991 Normin

Tampa Bay, FL (CHN) - The walls of Norman Schwarzkopf's Florida home are adorned with a myriad of accolades - Silver Star, Bronze Star, Purple Heart; the list goes on. But for the past few months, 'Stormin Normin' (a nicknamed earned during Desert Storm) has been steadfastly waiting by the phone as portions of North Africa and the Middle East have fallen into widespread turmoil.

Schwarzkopf asked CHN to publish the following letter:

To Whom It May Concern,

As you know, I have a reputation for kicking tons of ass in a really short amount of time. I have bridge on Tuesday afternoon and my grandson has a lacrosse tournament starting the weekend after Memorial Day.

Aside from those prior engagements, I am ready for any calling that my country requests, so long as I get a nap near 1200 hours and another near 1450 hours.

A few Weeks ago I joined the group 'Organizing For America' so that I could send the President a quick note. So, I shot that message over on the email and he responded with some message entitled 'We Do Big Things'. This was sent to me in error and should be looked into.

My grand-daughter uplinked me to a direct network called Face book. Face book immediately gave me full clearance. I linked up to the Presidents page within minutes. I broke the ice by posting a picture of Colon Powell and myself taking a nap during a 1990 conference call with Paul Wolfowitz, I assume he is still authenticating that picture before getting back to me.

The current geopolitical matters seem urgent, so, as mentioned, I am by the phone for any calls initiated between 500 and 1600 hours.

Regards,
General Norman Schwarzkopf (Ret)

The General has requested that he be notified by email at storminormin_61@hotmail.com for any written responses.

CHN. 2011. News Updates: Facebook. Twitter. Home.

Pornstar Kylee Strutt Retires To Spend More Time Having Sex Off Camera

2011-05-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

Former Brazzers Star Unwilling To Wait Through Make-Up And Script Rehearsal


Strutt, 20 Minutes Before and 10 Minutes After Having Sex in 2010

San Fernando, CA (CHN) - Kylee Strutt, an instant success in the online porn industry and former foot fetish model, has announced her retirement, leaving a 36DD redheaded hole in the porn industry.

The 24 year old accomplished all that she could in a highly competitive industry by getting fake tits and having sex with people on camera.

"It's been great to just have my name in the same sentence as other prominent stars like Phoenix Marie, Memphis Monroe, Audry Bitoni, Rachel Roxx, Nikki Benz, and any other tags for this blog post," indicated Strutt.

The busty retiree promises to stay in touch with her fans on Facebook and Twitter and to have sex with them if she happens to see them near her bed.

Where will she go from here? Strutt confesses that she it's just too soon to tell and much to hard to concentrate because she is off camera right now having sex for money.

CHN. 2011. News Updates: Facebook. Twitter. Home.

Updated:
Saying Goodby To Kylee Wont Be Easy; Here Are Some Of Her Safe For Work Pics....safe that is if your boss doesn't give a shit about what you do all day:

Sometimes Kylee's Shirt And Bra Could Not Hold Up Her Massive Tits; Forcing Her To Hold Them By Hand

Ms. Strutt Went Back To School In 2009; But Generally Just Had Sex With Teachers While There

Kylee Strutt Never Actually Signed A Pro Contract But Was Reportedly Sought By Billie Bean For Her Incredible On Base Percentage

It Has Been Widely Reported That If You Ever Get Tired Of Kylee's Breasts That You Should Stop Complaining And Go Ahead And Have Sex With Her Butt

File Footage: Kylee And Breasts Exercising in 2010

There Is Nothing Funny About How Bad You Want To Motorboat

A low Point For Kylee's Career Came After She Was Let Go From Cedar Sinai For Not Being A Real Doctor

(Vintage Porn) Before Cell Phones Were Given To Pornstars.

Ball Play

Strutt Once Wore This Dress For A Picture In 2008

They Tried To Fire Strutt From The Hospital in 2007 But She Sat Like This A Lot... So You Know

Who is this?

Kylee messaged CHN last week and said that she probably wont return to porn but she did like our article. Leave her a message in the comments below and we will forward them and beg her to return.

Diligent research for this story made possible by:

Baby Got Boobs Kylee Strutt (big tits movies, part of Brazzers Network)
Big Tits and Nerds Kylee Strutt (big tits movies, part of Nerd Pass)
Big Tits at School Kylee Strutt (big tit movies, part of Brazzers Network)
Big Tits at Work Kylee Strutt (big tit movies, part of Brazzers Network)
Big Tits Boss Kylee Strutt (big tits movies, part of Reality Kings)
Big Tits In Sports Kylee Strutt (big tit movies, part of Brazzers Network)
Doctor Adventures Kylee Strutt (reality porn movies, part of Brazzers Network)
Nerd Pass Kylee Strutt (multi-site pass)
Reality Kings Kylee Strutt (multi-site pass)
Real Wife Stories Kylee Strutt (Wife stories movies, part of Brazzers)
We Live Together Kylee Strutt (lesbian movies), part of Reality Kings

Greece Applies For Capital One Credit Card After Viewing Clever Alec Baldwin Commercial

2011-05-09T17:11:00.000-07:00

Platinum Prestige Balance Transfer Rate Expected To Ease Debt Crisis

CHN File Photo: Picture of a drawing of the Greek Flag

Athens (CHN) - President Karolos Papoulias has officially notified the European Union regarding plans to increase the nation's credit capacity while transferring some existing debt through a recent online application for a Capital One Platinum Prestige Card.

The move, prompted by the latest S&P credit downgrade on the Balkan Peninsula country to 'credit watch negative'; is expected to generate between $2,500.00 and $5,000.00 ($U.S.) in new credit capacity. The decision follows a well placed television advertisement during halftime of yesterdays PAOK Salonik 2 to 1 victory over Panathinaikos.

President Papoulias and Prime Minister Giorgos Papandreou are said to have been absolutely enamored with Alec Baldwin's portrayal of a popular Hollywood Actor turned credit card pitchman. However, the deal stalled for several hours as the Greek Finance Minister determined that the card did not allow for custom images, as previously used on the nations existing maxed-out credit card through Discover.

Public Unions have already expressed dissatisfaction with the deal, citing the lack of cash back and mileage package bonuses for purchases made at gas stations and restaurants.

European Union Member Nations are expected to ratify approval for the debt solution package in the coming days; as of press time there was no official word on Greek plans to walk away from a 5-year ARM taken out on the Islands of Kythera and Antikythera.

CHN. 2011. The Story Behind The Story You Thought You Might Have Heard About.

Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg Ready To Try Sex

2011-05-05T15:44:00.000-07:00

After Reading Through 1000's Of User Chat Messages and Private Emails The Internet Magnate Thinks It's Time'

Zuckerberg: "It's nasty time"

Palo Alto, CA (CHN) - In 2008 Mark Zuckerberg became the youngest billionaire in the world and at 24 years of age one of the older virgins. Now at age 27, the man that lifted the Facebook concept from his fellow Harvard buddies, believes that his reclusive lifestyle of sexual androgyny has run its course.

In preparation for the big day, Mr Zuckerberg is planning to stop sweating so much, use the Clearasil that his mom sent, and to research how to grow pubic hair.

"As far as process - I have that down," says Zuckerberg. "I mean I probably could have done that at age 22. Kiss the mouth, touch the boobs, ask her to please turn around, and then ask a few questions about her sexual history and std's".

He continued, "I mean anyone can get to that point, the real battle is how to do that 'fake fight thing' where she calls you an obnoxious jerk and uses that old line about how your penis is so small I wouldn't even know what to do with it. From what I am hearing; that seems to be a request for anal".

So who might the lucky girl be? The depraved bachelor tells CHN that he has had his eye on a particular young lady for some time and he is very close to approaching her and asking for sex again.

CHN. 2011

Biden Releases OBL Kill Photo on Facebook

2011-05-04T16:21:00.000-07:00

(CHN) 7:35 EST: Sources Indicate That The VP Slept Through This Morning's Intel Briefing.

Obama, The Taste Of Blood Still Fresh In This Mouth, Slays 18,000 Mexican Drug Operatives

2011-05-03T18:02:00.000-07:00

Southern Border Cleaned Up Overnight By 44th U.S. President

El Paso, TX (CHN) - Just four days after U.S. Navy SEALs brought Osama bin Laden, the FBI's most wanted man, to justice; President Barack Obama raised the bar by personally tracking down and systematically executing several thousand Mexican drug cartel leaders and subsidiaries along the U.S. - Mexican Border Tuesday Night.

No civilians were harmed in the operation.

Following a pre-scheduled DNC fundraiser, Obama is said to have slipped quietly into the night without notifying secret service, wife Michele, or Mexican President Felipe Calderón in fear that the drug runners might be tipped off.


Make-shift Morgues Have Been Established From Corpus Christi to Tijuana

Instead, the only warning that most had prior to death were the curdling death screams of those around them as the President rounded up the Mexicans via 22 remote control Abrams Tanks linked by guided tactical intelligence relays from unmanned drones synced to his blackberry.

The mission, planned on a cocktail napkin by the President during a long-winded speech by Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, marked the official end of multi-century lawless smuggling and human trafficking in the region.

The killings, merciless in nature, are said to have been 'completed with his bare hands," according to sole survivor Manuel Espinoza, who was handcuffed to the decapitated bodies of his father and four brothers on top of a neatly stacked 2,500 ton cache of cocaine, crystal methamphetamine, and Viagra 20 miles south of Tucson, AZ.

The President, who clearly worked with speed and accuracy, did pause long enough to inscribe 'Please Process' (in blood) on Espinoza's forehead.

Obama is set to resume with the Official Schedule Wednesday, meeting the 2011 Woman's NCAA Champion Minnesota Duluth Ice Hockey Team on the White House lawn just after he is finished cleansing traces of the disemboweled bandits from his hands and shoes.

CHN. 2011

Al-Zawahri Declines Al-Qaeda Promotion, Elects To Retire

2011-05-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

(CHN) - Former #2 Will Take Credits On Sick Days and 401B Retirement Payout In Lieu of Being Shot In The Face By Navy SEALs

CHN File Photo: Ayman al-Zawahri burping in 2008

CHN.2011

Brought to you by Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Remember That Pabst is Habst When You Designate A Sober Driver

Media Ignoring Other Royal Wedding Of Kansas City Shortstop Alcides Escobar

2011-04-28T08:16:00.000-07:00

Second Year Player To Finally Marry Longtime Girlfriend

Kansas City, MO (CHN) - After a 14 month engagement, Alcides Escobar is 'finally going through with it' according to friends and family of the young shortstop. But you would never know it from the international media; or so says Escobar's fiance Maria Fuentes, who met Alcides in a Venezuelan night club when the two were just 18 years old.

Alcides And Fuentes At Their Engagement Party In March of 2010

Still, despite the lack of attention, the wedding is still set for this Saturday at the Kansas City Hilton, most of the Royal Players are said to have been invited. Royals Manager Ned Yost believes that Escobar would be getting a lot more attention if he (Alcides) was hitting anywhere near the league average for shortstops or if his slugging percentage was "not a fucking joke".

CHN. 2011. News Updates: Facebook. Twitter. Home.

Toy Maker Wham-O Closes Brand Integration Deal With KY Jelly

2011-04-19T01:25:00.000-07:00

'Yours and Mine' Slip'N Slide Expected To Be Summer Hit With Younger Demographic

Emeryville, CA - McNEIL-PPC, Inc. closed a deal Monday that will integrate its full line of adult lubricants, climax enhancers, and vaginal moisturizes into the Wham-O product line.

"We have been trying to introduce our lubricants to young couples in new and exciting ways for the past few years," said president Monty Kilgour. "Wham-O was clearly the right deal at the right time. We are finding product synergies that continue to show that KY is not just for the relief of anal sex and or intercourse attempts by really old people; there are totally cool other uses".

Wham-O, initially cold to the deal, opened up after receiving warm feedback from the nations P.E. Teachers and Catholic Priests. Both groups are said to be in support of exercise and chafing prevention for youngsters.

As of press time, Kilgour was unable to confirm that 'Just The Tip Fun Ball', 'Make It Clap Hoola-Hoop', and double packs of 'Slippery When Wet Hacky Sacks' were set for fall launches.

2011. Strategic, Trusted, No Swashbuckling.
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Blake Griffin Hires Agent; Declares For NBA Draft

2011-04-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

Scouts Believe The First Year Power Forward Could Be A Top 5 Selection

Griffin Was Invited To Several NBA Sanctioned Events

Los Angeles (CHN) - Vinny Del Negro could only smile and shrug his shoulders Thursday morning after his star, 6' 10" Blake Griffin, officially announced that he would forgo his remaining contract and enter the 2011 NBA Draft.

"I think he's ready," said Del Negro who helped recruit the youngster from Oklahoma. "We have had NBA talent come through this franchise from time to time in the past but Blake is a cut above; I really think he can be successful at the next level," boasted Del Negro.

Griffin, who averaged a double double for the Clippers, says he's up for the challenge. "I'm excited, I mean, what can I say... everyone who has ever played for the Los Angeles Clippers has dreamed of playing in the NBA. For me, it's really happening - I am just going to go through the process and see where it takes me".

Scouts took notice of Griffin uncanny athleticism, size, and dunking ability; all unusual attributes for a Clipper Player of any age.

But critics remain. "We've seen it before," said former NBA Coach and 1992 Dream Team star Larry Bird. Bird continued, "Danny Manning, Bo Kimble, Michael Olowokandi... These guys all tried to jump from the Clippers to the NBA and it just never seems to happen. I would tell this Griffin kid to stay in school or go back to school and finish his contract; He may be the most talented Clipper of all time; but lets be realistic, this is the NBA".

2011. Christian Laettner Was Not Mentioned In This Story

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Obama, Desperate For Ratings Bump, Adopts Emmanuel Lewis

2011-04-12T00:16:00.000-07:00

1986 Child Star Could Be Key To 2012 Campaign

Lewis, Left, Has Latched On Quickly

Washington DC (CHN) - The White House has a fresh new face and a revamped look heading into the early stages of the 2012 Presidential Election and it may be just in time as early polling suggests that the President is vulnerable in key swing states such as Florida, Ohio, Virginia, and Nevada.

Coincidence or not, those are all states that registered high ratings with ABC's 'Webster' during its original run from 1983 to 1987 and also later in syndication.

While the administration is playing down that connection, Obama's 2012 campaign manager Jim Messina was frank when asked about recent poll data from Rasmussen and Gallop, "We know that the election will be a tough fight and that we must have a grassroots mid 80's retro draw if we are going to have any chance of attracting the so-called 'Reagan Democrats' that are going to determine this race".


Bo remains the President's favorite short/black play pal according to the Press Corps

"Malia and Sasha are not the same adorable pre-pubescent little girls that they were during the 2008 campaign," says John Zogby. He argues that, "A twelve year old Emmanuel Lewis brings that innocence back in a major way; the type of innocence this campaign will need with 9% unemployment, hysteria over Obamacare, a full blown debt crisis, and ongoing trouble with Gaddafi in Libya".

Lewis, center, is hoping his 80's look will resonate with key demographics

"I think this Webster kid brings new energy to the team." boasted Vice President Joe Biden this Sunday on Meet the Press. Biden, was then asked by David Gregory if his recent adoptions of Punky Brewster and Alf were appropriate while the nation was involved in two theaters of war and offering subordinate NATO support in North Africa.

The Vice President snapped back, "Leave Punky out of this; Alf and I can handle the criticism; we always have. And yes, I do understand the natural synergies that M*A*S*H*, would bring, but trust me... We aren't going there".

The Obama/Biden re-election team admits that it has unique challenges for 2012 and it may be of no help that the Republican field will take months to draw out a frontrunner. That said, Rick Perry has been making major waves recently and reports that he is speaking with Tony Danza and a 13 year old Alyssa Milano will only add to the frustration for Obama's re-election team.

However, rumors that Emmanuel Lewis requested to breastfeed has only amplified the concerns of Michelle Obama that first surfaced after Lewis was found to be playing doctor with Malia on a regular basis. Arrangements by Mrs. Obama to meet with the full cast of 'The Wonder Years' and 'Silver Spoons' for possible replacements ahead of the general election are being refuted by staffers. Scott Baio, who recently lunched with Michelle Bachman and the surviving cast of 'The Facts of Life', believes that "with 16 months until election time; we can pretty much play hardball with these candidates".

2011. All Rights To Add Gary Coleman To This Story Reserved
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Zydrunas Ilgauskas Keeps Tagging Lebron James In All Of His Facebook Pictures

2011-04-10T11:28:00.000-07:00

Miami Heat Chemistry Questioned As NBA Playoffs Tip Off
James Quoted As Saying 'Stop That Shit Dawg!'

Ilgauskus Has 11,188 Lithuanian Likes On His Facebook Fan Page

Miami, FL (CHN) - With Udonis Haslem still on injured reserve, Center Zydrunas Ilgauskas is expected to continue playing key minutes in the Easter Conference Playoffs.

But rumors of infighting amongst the Heat players is raising concern that coach Erik Spoelstra has been unable to maintain social networking cohesion between his star players and super dorky players like Ilgauskas.

Ilgauskas, who transferred from Myspace to Facebook just a couple of weeks ago has gone through and tagged Lebron James on all of his photos.

Sources indicate that Lebron has systematically untagged himself and has blocked Zydrunas from viewing any of his status updates. Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh still have not responded to Ilgauskas' friendship request saying that "they are never really on Facebook" and "Oh, I get so many requests; Ill try to find it".

CHN would like to re-retract a previous story that D-Wade had requested that Eric Dampier stop messaging his hoes. The statement has been re-denied by the Heat swingman twice and only re-confirmed by Dampier once as of presstime.

2011. Christian Laettner Was Not Mentioned In This Story
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Federally Maintained Oceans Rise Unabated During Budget Impasse

2011-04-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

Above: (not pictured) Women and Children Hardest Hit

2011. Strategic, Trusted, No Swashbuckling.
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BREAKING NEWS ALERTS:

Lebron James Takes 20% Stake of US Federal Reserve

Three Weeks After Tsunami - Fish Found Alive

African Country Of Chad Not Heard From In 10 Days

President Spams Millions of Americans In Possible Pyramid Scheme

Lebron James Takes 20% Stake In U.S. Federal Reserve

2011-04-07T15:04:00.000-07:00

Miami Heat Forward Promises 'Hard Look' At Gold Standard

Washington DC (CHN)- NBA star Lebron James closed a long discussed deal with the United States of America Friday morning just hours before his Miami Heat took the floor against the Charlotte Bobcats. Financial details of the agreement were not available at press time, however, sources confirm that this is the first large-scale merger between the Federal Government and an individual since the failed buyout offer for The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms by Gilbert Arenas in 2008.

Lebron James Discusses Rebounding From The Credit Crunch

Statistics indicate that James could be an inflation hawk causing traders on Wall Street to short treasuries after the initial announcement.

However, "The situation is fluid," according to Heat point guard Mario Chalmers. Chalmers indicated to ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews that the former Cavalier wanted distribution of quantitative easing to eventually expire, "but only after a stable balance was struck between QE2 and QE3, to sure up the Federal Reserve's offensive attack down the stretch".

James first move was to direct Heat Power Forward Chris Bosh to oversee extending credit through the Reserve's Discount Window. According to James, "Bosh is comfortable around the glass and makes smart decisions even when going against international powers such as Chinese star Yoa Ming".

Mr. James added much needed confidence to the transaction by guaranteeing that if he was busy, the 1992 Dream Team (minus Christian Laettner) would provide emergency overnight lending services to foreign and domestic banks.

Rumors that the deal was swung after Ben Bernanke and the Board of Governors were treated to box seats and allowed to chill with D-Wade's hoes have been categorically denied by Fed Vice Chairman Janet Yellen. However, Yellen did speculate as to James' rational in buying out 20% of the heavily criticized Federal Reserve; "I think that the ability to print money is a compelling case and that probably explains the 14 attempts by David Stern to close a deal with us".

2011. Strategic, Trusted, No Loitering
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President Spams Millions of Americans In Possible Pyramid Scheme

2011-04-04T08:40:00.000-07:00

CHN Has Attained The Following Email From Mr. Obama That Appeared In Millions of Americans Junk and In-boxes This Morning:

Subject: 2012

Today, we are filing papers to launch our 2012 campaign.

We're doing this now because the politics we believe in does not start with expensive TV ads or extravaganzas, but with you (Supporter 2,141,809) -- organizing block-by-block, talking to neighbors, co-workers, and friends. The sort of things that we hate to be approached about and invited to -- well, that's exactly what I want you to do. And that type of neighborhood by neighborhood conflict takes time to foment.

File Photo of Barack Obama Sending Email
From The IRS Mainframe

So even though I'm focused on the job you elected me to do (and BTW I still plan to do some of that stuff I promised); the race may not reach full speed for a year or more. However, the work to lay the foundation or 'the base' for our 'campaign' must start today.

Based on your opening of past emails, I am making you my campaign manager for 2012.

I need you to forge a new organization that we'll build together in cities and towns across the country. And I'll need you to help shape our plan as we create a campaign that's farther reaching (Libya) and more innovative (viral) than anything we've built before.

We'll start by doing something unprecedented: coordinating millions of one-on-one highly uncomfortable conversations between supporters across every single state except Mississippi, Alaska, Wyoming, Utah, Texas, and South Carolina.

This will be my final campaign for your money, however, as you know, the IRS is a federal office and your 2011 return will be carefully reviewed shortly.

Please know that the cause of making a lasting difference for our families, our communities, and our country has never been about one person; I also have a wife and kids. But my family will succeed only if we work together and if you are able to send me cash and convince others to do the same.

There will be much more to come as the race unfolds. Today, simply let me know you're in to help us begin, and then send me some cash (please do not write a check, if you do- please write it to 'Cash') and spread the word to your comrades. I will cut you in for 10% of each person that also sends cash and also hook you up with 3% for any cash sent in from anybody they refer. I promise to keep good records, so don't worry about your cut.

http://my.barackobama.com/2012

Thank you,

Barack

Contributions or gifts to Obama for America are not tax deductible but trust me, they wont hurt.

CHN is brought to you by Pabst Blue Ribbon. Please apply to dry mouth and remember that Pabst is habst when you are not drinking and driving.

Three Weeks After Tsunami; Fish Found Alive

2011-04-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

Rescuers Took A Picture of The Survivor Just Prior To Capture

Japanese Rescue Team Defies All Odds With Discovery

Pacific Ocean (CHN) - One more survivor in Japan has been rescued. The Japanese Coast Guard on Friday rescued a fish swimming in the debris off the coast of Kesennuma, in Northern Japan.

The Red Squirrel Fish, which was swimming near the roof of a submerged house that had washed out to sea, was likely just moments from giving up. It is believed that the youngster survived off of algae and Hi-Chew candy.

The rescue did not come easy. After coast guard operatives descended from a helicopter onto the house, the fish retreated to deeper water and disappeared. The rescuers were unable to lure the fish out with hot dog chunks and cat food. Reports indicate that a scuba team tracked the fish to a depth of 125 meters before netting it and returning it safely to the surface.

One member of the scuba team claims to have witnessed a second fish near a sunken Toyota Land Cruiser. However, attempts to locate that fish have been unsuccessful as of press time.

Other Japanese rescue teams have traveled even further from the Japanese Coast in hopes of finding survivors. The rescue ship Yushin Maru (below) has been trolling through Antarctic waters and has reportedly found over 80 Minke Whales and safely brought them on board for processing.


Above, A Whale Is Saved 18,000 Miles From Japanese Shore

2011. Preferred To Porn By Jesus Since 2006
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IBM Investors Voice Concern Over New Product Line

2011-03-30T23:51:00.000-07:00

'Dictating Unit' Sales Slower Than Forecast As Ipad2 Continues To Push Market-share To Apple

Local Slut Adds Avocado To Chipotle Burrito Bowl

2011-03-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

Area Harlot Not Satisfied With Salsa And Cheese

Seattle, WA (CHN) - Served in a bowl with choice of cilantro-lime rice, pinto or vegetarian black beans, meat (braised carnitas or barbacoa, adobo-marinated and grilled chicken or steak) the burrito bowl at Chipotle is one of 5 primary menu items that University of Washington student/hoe bag Angela Disenzi had to choose from following her 2 hour bio-chem lab. Sources indicate that the provocateur ordered 1/2 carnitas and 1/2 barbacoa (which is supposedly common because both meat options are the same cost).

Standard Chipotle Burrito Bowl (Without Avocado)

When adding the avocado (as an extra to the standard sour cream) the slut faced whore brazenly made eye contact with the preparation attendant and verbalized her request.

After being confronted with the fact that avocado is a $1.75 adder, the strumpet wasted little time in authorizing the transaction. Other students in line appeared to make every possible attempt to ignore the filthy bitch as they placed their various orders and went about their business.

Ample evidence suggests that 5'8" brunette had unsweetened ice tea and that in all likelihood she drank it in the same fashion that she guzzles cum.

A highly reputable anonymous source can not guarantee where the self-righteous fuck bag will be eating tomorrow but guarantees that he will be following her overly-used vagina for further updates.

CHN on: Facebook Twitter

African Country of Chad Not Heard From In 10 Days

2011-03-29T20:07:00.000-07:00

'Not Even A Simple Phone Call,' Says Cameroon

Abuja, Nigeria (CHN) - A host of African Countries have begun a fact-finding mission as to the whereabouts of Chad, Africa's 4th largest country. Media within the African Continent have been focused for months on Algeria, Tunisia, Egypt, and now Libya because of widespread political turmoil. However, some are now stepping forward to raise the uncomfortable question: where exactly is the Nation of Chad?

Above, an artists rendering of what Chad might look like

if it were sandy and located North of The Central African Republic

"The Sahara Dessert is a large place," admitted Sierra Leon of the easy to find African West Coast. "I mean, these largely nomadic countries can get landlocked and just sort of dry out".

Ghana, enjoying acclaim for her recent soccer prowess, believes that Chad may feel 'kind of... forgotten'. "You have this incredible excitement and fascination with Somali pirating to the East and the round the clock video loop of hunger in Ethiopia taken from some 1980's file footage. Don't even get me started on our local starlet Darfur of Sudan; truly, that is a lot of attention for one's neighbors," concluded Ghana.


A search campaign has faltered in part because Africans can not afford milk

Rumors concerning Chad's homosexuality and HIV contamination have persisted for decades and the embarrassment of becoming the next 'Burkina Faso' is "enough to make any of us disappear for a bit," said an un-named source believed to be Burkina Faso.

But Equatorial Guinea disagrees, "Chad is not gay, and even if I'm wrong, I think that we should at least try to look up the country code to place some phone calls. Lord knows we wont get any help from the National Geographic crews filming tribal titties in Kenya; but we must try nevertheless."

Mozambique did not return comment but is rumored to be taking a long and highly dramatic shower with streams of blood slowly diluting off of her body as the field of view expands to finally reveal a (clenched) knife yielding hand still trembling ever so slightly.

CHN on: Facebook Twitter

Who Is Susan Rice?

2011-03-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

CHN's Chasey Lain Sits Down With Some Woman Who's Name Keeps Popping Up

Chasey Lain: Hello, thank you so much for joining us. Who are you?

Unknown Person: Hi, I am Suzy Rice.

Chasey: OK, Cause my notes say that you are Susan Rice.

Suzy Rice: I am not Susan Rice. Susan Rice is our UN Ambassador. I am Suzy Rice... Suzy... Elizabeth... Rice.

I am a screenwriter, author of fiction, painter and designer. I designed the "Star Wars" logo, as well as many other film logo designs for print advertising and some filmed applications. In the past I worked for Lucasfilm, Ltd.

I also am the current assistant art director and designer for Rolling Stone magazine.

Chasey: Thank you.

About Chasey Lain:

Chasey is a 39 year old former Porn Star and current crack whore. In 2008, A video post by CHN documented a video whereas Chasey was so wasted she could not sit still to film or perform any scenes with her formerly perfect body (way formerly). Chasey now performs one on one interviews with world leaders, actors, and people of national importance for CHN's Online Edition.

Muammar Gaddafi Promises That His Military Mission Also Does Not Involve Removing Gaddafi From Power

2011-03-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

Libyan Leader Finally Details Mission; Exit Strategy In Prime Time Address


Gaddafi appears to be approximately 20 years younger since NATO strikes began

Tripoli, Libya (CHN) - After 10 days of NATO Airstrikes and regular engagement with a consortium of domestic 'Rebels' the embattled Libyan leader has finally made clear his military mission while detailing a timeline for ground troops to withdraw.

The 90 second speech was a clear message to the Rebel factions and to NATO forces that the 68 year old dictator planned to remain in power 'forever' and that military operations would absolutely be limited to the complete massacre of any person opposing said campaign.

In what supporters are now hailing the 'Gaddafi Doctrine'; the Libyan leader admits that while his country can not always afford to murder every single one of his enemies, that such a reality does not conclude that it should never murder every single one of his enemies.

Gaddafi did however fail to mention (perhaps purposely) his poor NCAA bracket performance against other Arab league leaders which could have yielded $80.00 towards his much depleted frozen accounts.

CHN on: Facebook Twitter

Rebecca Black Video Confirmed To Be Apocalyptic Summons To Netherworld

2011-03-26T13:02:00.000-07:00

River Styx Backwards Flow Affirms That The Song 'Friday' Has Catalyzed Armageddon

Vatican City (CHN) - Fifteen year old singer/songwriter Rebecca Black and the small Los Angeles based Ark Music label have completed widespread distribution of a highly coded message that will most certainly bring about the end of the world according to Biblical experts.

"The 'Friday Video' (below) has reportedly reached all intended targets and Satan's minions are believed to be making final preparations to destroy the earth," reports Vatican scholar Arthur Vandros.

A provision in the United States Patriot Act helped identify the video early on but it was far too late to stop the song from radiating globally because "it is so incredibly bad, you absolutely have to see it," admitted U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon as he ominously ordered all UN peacekeeping soldiers to report to duty.

The Macabre-esk song lyrics, now widespread, were brilliantly simplified by Black to call for the immediate opening of the Gates of Hell, according to local Ghoul Thor.

Thor notes that the opening of the song (Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ar- Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah-Yeah, yeah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah, yeah, yeah) is a well know call to Satan's henchman to assemble.

However, Thor adds that the certainty to bring about the apocalypse itself was carefully woven in the concise 'end of week' message:

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after...wards
I don’t want this weekend to END

Christians were hoping that Rapture and the second coming of Christ would pre-date the now eminent end of the earth. Sources say that widespread attempts to speed the return of Jesus with videos from Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian have been a total failure. In a last ditch effort, The Pope has requested that Rebecca Black at least let mankind continue until December 12, 2012 (the end date of the Mayan calendar); sources indicate that Black is unresponsive and so excited.

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NCAA Tournament Expands As 5th Region Discovered

2011-03-20T21:40:00.000-07:00

Teams In 'South-South' Region Were Feeling Super Neglected

Corpus Christi, TX (CHN) - College basketball fans were awakened Monday morning with the unexpected news that the Sweet 16 has now expanded to the Sweet 20 after an NCAA spokesman admitted that the organization accidentally set up 5 regions instead of the customary 4.

The 'South-South' bracket was reportedly lost under an ethics training video for officials that was just 'sort of forgotten about', according to un-named sources. The Extreme South bracket has been playing games according to schedule without media coverage since Thursday. The four advancing teams are reportedly: Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada, and UCLA. UCLA lost to Florida Saturday in the Southeast Regional game and still managed to make their scheduled night game in the Far South Bracket against the Stanford Woman's team.

An NCAA Spokesman was unable to directly answer questions as to how the 'Final Five' would be formatted. Sources close to the organization have assured media and fans that the bracket will be treated like any other and games will be refereed in strange hap-hazard methods that guarantees anger and solidifies all conspiracy theories regarding preferential treatment to certain schools.

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Muammar Gaddafi Maintains Confidence As His NCAA Bracket Suffers Wholesale Decimation

2011-03-18T12:15:00.000-07:00

Libyan Dictator Had Louisville, St. Johns advancing to Elite 8

Tripoli, Libya (CHN) - According to Anonymous State Department sources the embattled Libyan Leader is on the ropes after surprising losses by two key Big East Teams in the opening round.

The Big East set an NCAA record by getting 11 teams into the 68 team single elimination tourney.

"The One major upset that Gaddafi picked in his bracket was Wofford over BYU and we know how that turned out," said a high level adviser to Hillary Clinton.

Most of the information gathered on the dictator came from a March 14th Tivo recording with ESPN's Andy Katz (left).

A Libyan Military Representative sent word from Tripoli that there is no confirmed indication that Louisville has in fact lost, but even they do eventually fall, he wants everyone to recognize that there is no doubt that Mr. Gaddafi selected VCU over Purdue in the Southwest Regional despite the admittedly poor penmanship. He notes that poor penmanship continued in that bracket and he will update as needed.

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Libya Peaceful After Gaddafi Grants Rebels 'Collective Bargaining Rights'

2011-03-02T17:55:00.000-08:00

Opposition Groups Satisfied With Co-Pay Reduction, 403(b) Package.

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Giffords' Recovery Continues To Impress Doctors; Has First Sexual Encounter Since Shooting

2011-02-17T12:18:00.000-08:00

Doctors Maintain Satisfaction With Pace of Recovery

CHN File Footage of 2 people (above)

Houston, TX (CHN) - Just 20 Days After The Tucson Attack, Gabrielle Giffords continues to stay ahead of her recovery plan according to staff at Herman Medical Center in Houston.

Since the January 8th attack, which left Giffords in a medically induced coma for several days, she has impressed nurses, doctors, and even Barack Obama who had the distinct honor of reporting that Giffords had opened her eyes for the first time just after his January 13th visit.

Fast forward two weeks from the President's personal visit and another milestone has been achieved. Ironically, it was Joe Biden who announced the achievement, after a 30 minute visit with a mostly lucid Giffords and husband Mark Kelly. The Vice President confirmed that Giffords was able to have her first sexual encounter just moments after he left the rehabilitation center.

Biden (left) Candidly Describes Giffords'
Progress At a Houston Warehouse To 36 Men

Giffords' nurse, Tracy Culbert, who has remained with with Congresswoman for the past 19 days, performed the stimulative procedure via a standard issue 'Jack Rabbit Vibrator'.

CHN confirmed the breakthrough with husband Mark Kelley. Kelley twittered the following to friends and family, "This is an important step for all of us ;)... Speaking for myself, I wish I could have participated in the treatment :\ ".

Trauma recovery staff were thrilled with Giffords' responsiveness and plan a fully penetrative procedure to coincide with the debut of MTV's Skins early next week.

CHN 'Retraction'

A previous CHN report listed Giffords first sexual encounter since the shooting as having occurred with intern Daniel Hernandez (during finger penetration to Giffords skull for the purpose of pressuring the wound). However, Prima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik has informed that the legal definition of a 'sexual encounter' requires that a person's 'original or birth orifices' to be penetrated. Daniel Hernandez did not return comment; however, despite Dupnik's clarification, Hernandez is still widely considered a hero.

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Roughriders To Face Green Bay Packers of Wisconsin In North American Title Game

2011-02-07T20:51:00.000-08:00

NFL Pro-Bowl Safety Charles Woodson 'Not Available' For Continent Championship Against Saskatchewan

Rough Riders Getzlaf (left) Celebrates
The CFL Title With #6 (right) Last Sunday

Calgary, Alberta (CHN_Canada) - The Winnipeg Blue Bombers were just 32 seconds away from a record 6th CFL Championship Sunday afternoon. But a 21 yard field goal sent the Skatchi' Roughriders to a 41-39 Victory and on to the North American Title Game.

And oh yeah, in case you hadn't heard, the loss also marked the final chapter in the historic career of Quebec born special teams taskmaster Pierre-Luc Labbé. Labbé, still a legend in Manitoba despite last years trade, will be a first ballot Hall of Famer should the CFL ever develop such a system of recognition.

As for the upstart Roughriders, well, they are heading for North America's biggest game where they will face a tough challenger in the NFL's Packers of Green Bay, Wisconsin.


Aaron Rodgers, NFL Quarterback

"We have a day to enjoy the victory and then its back to work," said Riders Owner/Coach Richie Hall. "I know what the fellas are thinking, just one game away from a re-match with Prague.

It's my job to keep these guys grounded and focused on the next game. I'm told that Green Bay is next for us and that is where our heads have to be from now until the February 23rd Continental Title Match."

So what are the Rough Rider's chances of making it 18 in a row for the CFL over it's NFL counterparts to the South? Well, if you think the Packers will be another 'no-show who doesn't even bother to pick up the phone', then "think again," said N.A. Title game promoter Skip McElroy.

Rumors that a fan was spotted wearing a yellowish hat at the CFL Championship game is all the talk on local Saskatchewan radio. "That wasn't no Roughrider baby custard yellow, said local 90.5 FM Morning Host Phil McDermit. "That was Packer yellow, and that scout wasn't here for his health.

The historic North American Title, perennially held at the Scotiabank Saddledome in Calgary, will be moved this year to the Air Canada Youth Center on 32nd The game will once again be preceded by a pancake breakfast to benefit those charred in the 03' breakfast disaster.

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GOP Selects Guadalajara, Mexico For 2012 Convention

2011-02-03T12:22:00.000-08:00

Historic Effort To Target Latino Vote Viewed As Key To Next Election

Children in Guadalajara, Jalisco Celebrate
The News At A Local Dump

Phoenix, AZ (CHN) - Arizona Republican National Committee members met this morning to receive final news on the host city selection for the parties 2012 convention and
although Phoenix was not chosen; lawmakers in the state may have played a large role in the GOP's final selection of Guadalajara, Mexico.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer went on record with CHN; "We realize that the SB1070 immigration law was unpopular among some in our community and the nation at large. Those folks that I am referring to are often called 'Mexicans', informed Brewer, as she made overt quotation gestures with both hands while adjusting the pitch of her voice to a combination shout/whisper with both eyelids frozen at maximum allowance for an unusually long amount of time that appeared to dissipate only at the onset of a slow but consistent vertical head nod that finally and unfortunately gave way to a first verse rendition of José Martí's Cuban Classic, "Guantanamera".

Hotel Accommodations Are
Reportedly In Final Preparation

Jalisco Governor Jorge Sandoval released the following comment to state news agencies in Mexico:

"Realmente no sé por qué los americanos quieren venir aquí. Todo lo que podemos hacer es tratar de llevar a sus mujeres y su dinero. Somos corruptos."

Newly elected GOP Chairman Reince Priebus responded to Mr. Sandoval with a simple and polite: "Thank You".

Earlier this week the Democratic National Convention set their quadannual for Charlotte, North Carolina. When current Chairman Tim Kaine was asked if he had been 'out foxed' in the competitive host city selection process he responded: "Si".

However, Administration officials were quick to play down the news of the GOP's selection which is set to be the first ever non-domestic U.S. political convention by either party.

Un-named sources from the DNC claim that the convention is indeed a clever stunt but that the people of Guadalajara, Mexico are smart enough to see through this attempt by the GOP to take over the illegal immigrant vote that they [Democrats] have held for decades.

Other cities considered not 'Mexican' enough for the GOP 2012 convention were Tampa, Salt Lake City, Nashville, and Calgary. Calgary was running strong in the days leading up to the decision, however, it was later determined that the Canadian vote was a fucking joke.

Update: Jan Brewer reportedly learned the song "Guantanamera" from an extremely white singer named Pete Seeger:

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Did Obama Personally Train Mubarek's Egyptian Camel Brigades?

2011-02-02T09:16:00.000-08:00

Disturbing Photos Seem To Prove Without Doubt That Obama Was Behind Yesterdays Camel Attacks In Cairo.

Washington D.C. (CHN) - Administration officials so far are refusing comment on the following images which have now hit the mainstream news media. Anonymous sources are certain that the following disturbing images must have been taken in the past 7 days. Developing...


Camel Brigades Attack Protesters in Cairo February 2nd

President Obama (Presumably Waiving To Mubarek's Henchmen) After Training The Camel Shown In The Cairo Attack (Image #1)

Obama, Left, Feeds A 'Spit Poison Stick' To A Camel Just Prior To Battle

Obama, In His Native Kenya, Recruits Fighting Camels Just After Destroying His Kenyan Birth Certificate

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Love At First Sight

2011-01-28T13:32:00.000-08:00

Cairo, Egypt (CHN) - A Retraction is being issued by The CHN Mid East News Bureau. The following picture is not in fact from the movie 'Taboo 37'; the image below is of an Egyptian Woman who really really really wanted this internet thing shut down.

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Obama's Call For A 'Defecate' Freeze May Have Been Teleprompter Error

2011-01-25T15:43:00.000-08:00

Constipated Americans Demand Answers Following State of The Union Speech

Washington D.C. (CHN) - Millions of Americans and a Joint Session of Congress began the unusual task of defecation avoidance following President Obama's 2nd official 'State of The Union' address Tuesday night.

The President's speech lasting some 64 minutes was a call for fiscal and digestive restraint as unemployment continues to hover near 10%. Congress loudly cheered the President's call for unity in the aftermath of the Tuscon shooting that left 6 dead and Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords fighting for her life; however his request for fecal restraint garnered little applause from the joint session.

Environmentalists and waste water treatment employees nationwide are cheering the first ever call for Americans to cease pooping.

However, the 5-year 'freeze on defecate expenditures' has already been criticized by Republicans as another far left scheme that eventually will force Congress to cut defense spending or possibly even raise medicare allotments for intestinal combustion.

Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin delivered the Republican response and roundly criticized the President's speech. Ryan sees the anti-defecate plan as "just another attempt by this President to usurp the basic liberties of the American people." He added, "We warned that 'Obamacare' was too far reaching and this confirms our most dreaded fears; lets keep government out of our gastrointestinal system".

According to reports, an anonymous spokesman for the Administration later stated "... to our knowledge there was no teleprompter malfunction as some in the press have suggested. However, some portions of the Presidents speech were intended as goals that may take years to achieve, as such, the President "recognizes, as always, that all crapping related bills are originated in Congress."

Mr. Obama chose to ignore ongoing calls to release his original, so-called 'long form birth certificate', following last weeks announcement from Hawaiian Governor Neil Abercrombie that he is unable to produce the document. Democratic strategists have labeled those demanding the documentation 'Birthers' and now have now dubbed right wing critics of the Presidents tough digestive plan as 'Shitters'.

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Meeting At The Rose Garden

2011-01-16T16:06:00.000-08:00

Obama; Clinton Caught By Live Camera

Washington D.C. (CHN) - Camera's Were On and Captured Obama and Clinton Discussing Some Unusual Issues prior to Martin Luther King Festivities at the White House.

CHN: Recent Tags and #1 Google Search Terms For Her Pleasure

2011-01-05T08:33:00.000-08:00

"Forty Seven" Classic CHN Google Search Results:

Genital Mutilation of Meter Maids http://bit.ly/hucdEp
"Peak Molasses" http://bit.ly/fCfZEn
Trig is the youngest known male to become pregnant http://bit.ly/hPjpzm
"far-from-kosher bouillabaisse stew" http://bit.ly/i8f6Ky
The Constant Distractions of Neytiri's Blue Nipples http://bit.ly/erfanU
"Obama, a left handed shooter..." http://bit.ly/eiT7IY
"Bush went on to describe the value of honor killing" http://bit.ly/e4nAjy
Adult Diaper Revelation http://bit.ly/htjk0W
"I'm not a fisherman or a fish scientist" http://bit.ly/gIOXSx
"let's be honest this is mostly a 'feel' game" http://bit.ly/gC3z2Q
The Barely Legal Viability of America's Shale Oil (soft core) http://bit.ly/h5Vdle
"Aging Laker fan Jack Nicholson" http://bit.ly/fWOQ8b
Lucas: I'm from Modesto, CA.... we eat bullshit for breakfast there. http://bit.ly/fiPlwp
Dr. Laura Promises Not To Say 'Nigger' http://bit.ly/eLSfEv
"we are surrounded by a bunch of pussies like Missouri, South Dakota, and Oklahoma" http://bit.ly/hIpc8C
"Love Seats n' Stools for Less" http://bit.ly/hLDiX8
"There has been a scourge of slut" http://bit.ly/h0RusA
"Dixie has run away from home to join the circus" http://bit.ly/epf2pW
"The Anal Seduction of T. Boone Pickins" http://bit.ly/dZB4Uy
Tony Dungy Robot http://bit.ly/ikeQ3N
whereas Lebron James is the 'fucker' and the Cleveland clients are the 'fukees' http://bit.ly/fxwR3m
the average movie goer is "much much dumber than we ever could have imagined" http://bit.ly/fCz2hR
Lesbian Activists To Obama: Eat Shit http://bit.ly/eTQQgZ
Executive Order for Napolitano To Get Nailed http://bit.ly/gMyUES
BP Spill Clusterfuck http://bit.ly/icUtjv
"tongue comforting trans-fat" http://bit.ly/fnE0eb
Pew Research Polls Are Retarded http://bit.ly/dGnSt2
"36,000 gallons per minute of nip slipping water pressure" http://bit.ly/htwPZZ
"an accomplished anagramist and comic book purveyor" http://bit.ly/etQR73
DalesColonCleanseFormula.wordpress.com http://bit.ly/i8L09s
5,200 "pinches" of refined sugar http://bit.ly/eX4Bba
exploiting symbiotic aquatic relationships far beyond basic parasite extraction http://bit.ly/f4jEJX
Rumors had swirled for years that Fergie was very likely the actual Chupacabra http://bit.ly/eJMszI
Homosexuals Considering Formal Rejection of The La Vida Loca Singer http://bit.ly/g3wnjj
Swiss Chard sandwiches were all the rage http://bit.ly/hyzo8F
hands full with a crack pipe and balls deep in some dude http://bit.ly/hwRAbs
"steady influx of 'cunt rags'" http://bit.ly/ebeme0
"expired muff bait" http://bit.ly/hFF3RL
"Oklahoma City resident Jenna Jameson" http://bit.ly/gllnp1
"killing others with global warming" http://bit.ly/dWYEeJ
"my client had sex with a whorish hotel worker in Colorado" http://bit.ly/ggnUpu
"after we finished the measurement and inspection of the victims breasts we hit a wall" http://bit.ly/hX3JGE
We use the term 'boner killer' rather carefully around here because Katie Couric seems to just pop in and out of the production room like jackrabbit on smack http://bit.ly/hoI8tc
BP contends that it carefully studied the effects of several types of music and can say with complete confidence that a boy band will win the hearts of the Gulf people http://bit.ly/gtP3Hp
Possible replacements for Laettner include Dominique Wilkins, Shawn Kemp, and a 9 year old Dwight Howard.http://bit.ly/hfcnE3
The November elections could give Republicans the votes they need to keep Meredith from sleeping with any and all selfish scumbags such as plastic surgeon Mark Sloan http://bit.ly/ib652w
LA County's other investments in capturing Cryptids such as the Yeti, Bigfoot, and the Loch Ness Monster http://bit.ly/fRc7Pe

CHN 2011- All Rights Deferred Until 2015 or so.

2011 Pending Libel Cases (Vs. CHN)

2011-01-01T11:32:00.000-08:00

Assistant Manager Usually Able To Poop After 2nd Cup of Coffee

2010-12-16T22:22:00.000-08:00

Grand Rapids, MI (CHN) - The Grand Rapids Area Chamber of Commerce opens at 9AM Monday thru Friday and on every one of those days assistant account manager Ron Corbett has two full cups of coffee prior to taking a shit in the single stall unisex bathroom.

Corbett's consistency has impressed
staff for nearly a decade

Receptionist Wendy Breyer has confirmed with CHN that Mr. Corbett generally spews warm, likely moist, but verifiably pungent farts between 10:15 and 10:25. "It will sort of linger... if it (the fart odor) doesn't stick around for 30-40 seconds then I know he hasn't finished his 2nd cup and may not be ready to take a dump for 20 or 30 more minutes.

Corbett, a Grand Rapids native, usually eats Frosted Mini-Wheats and a banana with his first cup of coffee at home. Up until the spring of 2009, Corbett's co-workers had reason to believe that he was picking up coffee from Starbucks en route to work which he would finish in his car just prior to entering the office and clocking in for the day.

"Back then Ron would typically drop a load within 10 minutes of clocking in," confirmed human resource manager Daryl Boykins. He continued, "Now he seems to be on a set schedule of drinking his 2nd cup here at the office and taking a 10-12 minute shit right around 10:30.

Last Tuesday the office break room ran out of coffee and sources have confirmed that this delayed Mr. Corbett's crap until 11:45AM. Corbett emerged approximately 20 minutes later and seemed rather unsatisfied. An un-named coworker verifyies that he had two Dr. Peppers but "frankly at that point, he was just off his schedule".

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Confusion At State Department As Holbrooke's Last Words May Have Actually Been "Stop This Whore"

2010-12-14T22:21:00.000-08:00

Holbrooke, 69, Died From Complications of Lindsay Lohan's 2005 'Herbie Fully Loaded'

Washington D.C. (CHN)- Those close to the veteran U.S. Diplomat say that he rarely watched movies of any kind but decided to catch a flick after a long meeting with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on Friday. A family spokesman said that Mr. Holbrooke had become livid with Lindsay Lohan's acting style and ruptured his aorta during the final moments of the Disney film after claiming that if he 'attached a pair of tits and some red pubic hair to his asshole that he could have turned in a better acting performance'.

Lohan, performed like a 'slut faced whore'
according to Holbrooke

Doctors attempted an emergency surgery but failed to save the man that President Obama chose as a special envoy to Afghanistan, and who many of the wars toughest critics felt was the best chance to stop the ongoing action by U.S and its Allies.

Holbrooke, still conscious before the surgery seemed to be quoting the Lohan movie sarcastically and was still visibly shaken by Lohan's performance.

His final words, first thought to be 'Stop this war', have now been confirmed by hospital staff to have actually been 'Stop this whore'.

Holbrooke is survived by several family members, most of the remaining American soldiers in Afghanistan, and Lindsay Lohan's agonizing acting career and fluctuating breast size.

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Bill Clinton Still Hanging Out At White House 3 Days After Press Conference

2010-12-12T13:54:00.000-08:00

D.C. Furniture Store Reports Delivery of Hide-A-Bed To Oval Office

Clinton (above right), moments after brushing Obama
aside to field questions on Friday

Washington D.C. (CHN) - A White House aid refused to confirm or deny on Sunday that Bill Clinton was still at the White House following last Friday's meeting and press conference with President Obama.

Clinton originally scheduled to speak for 3-4 minutes after a brief introduction by The President, spoke for nearly 40 minutes prior to being cut short by Robert Gibbs call for 'last question'.

An assistant to former President Clinton confirmed that pizzas had already been ordered so that the former President could have a bite to eat after the presser. White House insiders were apparently surprised to see Mr. Clinton still hanging out and chatting with State Department officials in the West Wing late into the evening. Mr. and Mrs. Obama returned to the White House following a Christmas party to find that Mr. Clinton had consumed several cocktails during a conference call to Rahm Emanuel, Paul Begala, and Haitian President René Préval.

Obama's desk (temporarily moved outside)
'not related to Clinton visit,' says staff

At that time it is believed that Mr. Obama invited the former President to crash in the Oval Office until he found accommodations for his upcoming trip to Haiti.

It is believed that Mr. Clinton may have answered several calls from Hamid Karzai and organized some minor tactical changes to the current surge in Afghanistan on Sunday morning while Mr. Obama was walking White House dog 'Bo'.

Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is reporting that a request for federal emergency funds to the state following this weekends blizzard appears to have been immediately signed and faxed back by Mr. Clinton.

As of press time, Clinton's foundation staff had no return comment on Mr. Clinton's whereabouts and firmly denied that a new post on Craigslist for 'D.C. area motivated interns' was connected in any way to the former President.

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Garth Brooks Wondering "What Ever Happened To Me"

2010-12-10T21:40:00.000-08:00

Former Country Star Realizes He Hasn't Been Seen Or Heard From In 12 Years

Nashville, TN (CHN) - He was once the reigning King of Country Music and one of the top selling artists of any genre in the 1990's, but this morning when Garth Brooks awoke he asked himself one simple question: "Where in the fuck have I have been the past 12 years".

Brooks During What Is Believed
To Have Been His Mariachi Phase

Research done by Brooks indicates that he has mostly been drinking and speaking in non melodic tongues since his failed attempt to perform as a gay rock star under the stage name 'Chris Gaines'.

Sources close to Brooks admit that they are not all that close to Brooks and that they sort of forgot all about him over the last decade.

Brooks who claims to have a daughter is now attempting to locate her according to his daughter who hasn't seen or heard from Brooks since 1999.

Although Brooks was accused of having an affair with Trisha Yearwood in the late 90's he vehemently denied those rumors and one-upped his critics by divorcing his wife and marrying Trisha Yearwood soon after.

The former star came out of hiding or whatever to do an interview with Larry King this week. During the interview Mr. Brooks seemed to be fixated with convincing King to direct Itunes to raise the cost of his songs to equal or higher pricing than Taylor Swift and that 'little bitch' Kenny Chesney.

Tomorrow on CHN: "Trisha Yearwood RealizesThat She Is A Slutty Homewrecker; Wonders Where Husband Garth Brooks Has Been The Past 12 Years."

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Report: Wikipedia Audio Files; An Intro List For Pervs

2010-12-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

CHN Reports that the following Wikipedia Articles are now being listened to by Pervs Worldwide:

Mammary Intercourse:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c1/Paizuri.ogg

Cock and Ball Torture:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/41/CocknBallTorture.ogg

Bukkake (Please note that the recipient should be shaved):

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/4f/Bukkake04032010.ogg

Hand Job:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/79/Handjob.ogg

Dirty Sanchez (Narrated by an English Woman for your pleasure)

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f/fa/Dirty_Sanchez_%28sexual_act%29.ogg

Clitoral Erection (The reader loses it several times):

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/3b/Clitoral_Erection.ogg

Vanilla Sex:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/96/Vanilla_sex.ogg

American Citizenry: Janet Napolitano Needs To Get Laid Really Bad

2010-11-29T21:02:00.000-08:00

Taxpayers OK Cash For Dinner And Rough Sex At Local Ramada

File Photo of Napolitano Looking Depraved

Washington D.C. (CHN) - Janet Napolitano, America's 3rd Homeland Security Chief, is being given a pass today by U.S. Citizens following widespread public revolt over intrusive TSA screenings, a lackluster effort to close the U.S. border, and allowing an embarrassing wholesale release of American diplomatic secrets through the 'WikiLeaks' website.

Although many Americans had concluded that Napolitano was horribly incompetent at her job; criticism waned after it slowly became clear that the security chief was the most sexually frustrated and sober woman in America.

The Administration's Press Secretary Robert Gibbs asked that Americans stop sending alcohol, drugs, and various types of sex machines to Napolitano's office. Gibbs told the Washington Press Corps on Monday that bottles of tequila and vibrators have been flooding the capital's mail system since Napolitano demanded that American travelers be looked at naked or undergo a thorough groping prior to traveling.

Gibbs made it clear that the President has heard the American people and that he (Obama) has authorized Napolitano to immediately engage in a 3-day weekend affair with 'some person already at the bar'. Although the location and name of the bar has not been disclosed it is widely assumed to be the 'Meow Hole' just outside of Arlington, Virginia.

The President Gives An Executive Order for Napolitano To Get Nailed

Tulsa native Herb Mattos told a CHN reporter that he speaks for all Americans when saying: "We do not care if she is gay or straight, we don't care how she likes it or where, we need her to get shit faced and have some person or group of people give it to her as hard as possible for as long as possible... our treat".

Although the Napolitano situation is unusual, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suffered from the same deficit for nearly 20 years (1989-2008) and only began to recover after being fucked by Barack Obama during the DNC primaries.

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