The ‘Most Interesting Man In The World’ finally brought down by lack of colon control.
by: Victoria Wells CHN Business Stuff. 9:25 AM ESTLos Angeles, CA: He lives vicariously through himself, causes rainfall with his sadness, and keeps a telephone book around just so he can tear it in half; but none of this mattered early Monday morning when actor Jonathan Goldsmith was let go after Dos Equis executives learned that anal leakage had forced the 74 year old actor to begin using adult incontinence diapers on a daily basis.
Goldsmith, a lifelong bit actor, landed the Dos Equis Campaign in 2006 and “passed every physical evaluation necessary” according to agent Tom Rosenburg. The fuss began when a blogger from Encino, CA spotted Goldsmith buying an issue of ‘Home and Garden’ magazine, a carton of Virginia Slims, and two dozen Tranquility Brand “Premium Overnight Protective Underwear” in a Southern California Ralph’s Grocery Store. Mr. Rosenburg plans to file a wrongful termination suit stipulating that “no man should lose his job simply because liquid and solid waste dissipates uncontrollably from a bodily orifice." He added, “If such a standard were acceptable then how could anyone defend the hiring of Chris Harrison, host of ABC’s The Bachelor".
Dos Equis tried to dismiss the story as a hoax but soon realized that Jonathan Goldsmith was nothing more than a liability after parent company Heineken USA was served with a class action filing suggesting that ‘Dos Equis’ contained a type of barley long thought to increase estrogen levels and already proven as a non-reversible laxative by the FDA in 1984.
“It’s a sad day for beer drinkers across America” remarked 19 Year old College of The Canyons freshman Michael Ortiz as he sat clinging to an empty cardboard case of Dos Equis while patiently receiving a pedicure. “I don’t believe the accusations; what I do believe is that the man who is both right handed and left handed, whose blood smells like cologne, who once taught a German Shepherd to bark in Spanish is alive and well with a firm and capable sphincter … he's probably somewhere on an island that he discovered while fishing for sharks with his bare hands."
"Couldn't take the Curious Stares Any Longer"by: Victoria Wells, CHN Celebrity Report. 12:45 PM PST.PALM SPRINGS, CA- After a quarter century of speculation, He-Man (Prince Adam of Eternia), has come forward to admit a 30 year love affair with his trusted companion, Cringer the Battle Cat. He spoke openly from his Palm Springs retirement home in hopes of supporting others too afraid to come into the open with their large cat relationships.
"It's not that I was born a gay cat lover; my parents (King Randor and Queen Marlena) raised me in a stable home free from large gay cats that might of taken advantage of me", stated the blond muscleman. "It's just that how long can one ride bareback on a green tiger with nothing more than a loincloth between you and he before... well, sometimes things just happen - I would prefer to leave it at that."
Staff and Associates at the Grayskull Castle responded with a mix of surprise, shock, and acceptance after getting a Twitter update from He-Man just before he went public with the story to national media earlier today.
Long time barber Terry Martin says he never saw it, "I understand the attraction once Cringer has been transformed to "Battle Cat" but otherwise I'm like umm...really He-Man???
Martin is referring to the transition that both Prince Adam and Cringer partake in when trouble arises and superhuman strength is needed. With a raise of his magic sword (not a penis metaphor) Adam chants: "By the power of Grayskull...I HAVE THE POWER!!!" Soon after it is widely believed that he becomes 'the most powerful man in the universe'. He immediately points his sword at Cringer (still not a penis metaphor) and shoots him with his sword (not a money shot metaphor). As a magic bolt of lightening from the sword strikes Cringer in the face, the shy and lazy feline instantly turns into the courageous Battle Cat.
"You know, I never suspected a thing until Episode 84 "Fraidy Cat", said Orko, He-Mans small alien sidekick and longtime confidant. "Late in that episode Cringer was instrumental in finding the correct route to save the Queen from Skeletor's minions so that she could safely come home to Eternia. I think prior to that Cringer was just too submissive to be He-Man's type. Anyone who really knows He-Man will tell you that he likes a strong independent cat that's not afraid to show some teeth once in a while. That's why I for one am not surprised at today's announcement; I just think it was time to come out with it", stated Orko in relief.
"Yeah, I'm not surprised one bit" said Jorge Sandoval who was a cook at Castle Grayskull for 5 months in 1984. "I saw them fucking (missionary) behind the dumpster 6 or 7 times".
For his part, Skeletor had already been on record several times in the past with bestiality accusations concerning Prince Adam/ He-Man. However, because Skeletor and all of his associates are listed as 'Evil', district attorneys refused to bring the case forward figuring it was just another far fetched scheme to take over Grayskull Castle.
As to why he didn't come forward sooner with the relationship, He-Man simply said: "I didn't want parents to stop buying their young boys the inflatable bounce cat (pictured right). Since leaving Eternia in 1992, it's really the only source of income I have", admitted a somber but sexually satisfied He-Man as he gently stroked an aging but mindful Battle Cat in full garb.
*** The Comedy Hub Network ***
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Local Man Wonders Why God Would Punish Him This Wayby: Melissa Lauren 8:25 Am Est
Comedy Hub Staff WriterSAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA: Charles Jackson's ad for a roommate on Craig's List last month was simple, straight forward, and has netted him nothing but trouble. Ad Responder Priya Raye seemed to be the perfect candidate when she stopped by to look at the room for rent at Mr. Jackson's Chatsworth apartment. She appeared clean, organized, and had excellent credit. Little did Charles know that Priya would be anything but a "good roommate".
Each morning Priya awoke and began a 2 hour yoga routine in the living room. Then after making Charles a healthy 3 course breakfast (which typically surpasses most of his nutritional needs by 10-15%) she would manage her charitable trust for the Make-A-Wish foundation which has returned 18 million dollars since its 2002 inception. Although Charles applauds the positive intent of the fund, he has told friends that "her speculation in commodities is exactly what's wrong with this country". Mr. Jackson refuses to confirm that he has notified the SEC multiple times concerning Ms. Raye's unusual investment success.
Charles has a self described trusting personality and hammers that point home on his blog www.myroomateisevil.blogspot.com . Regardless, he felt he had no choice but to install a hidden camera in the living room to find out just what else Ms. Raye might be doing in their apartment while he was working his part time shift at the Sherman Oaks Galleria Radio Shack. Mr. Jackson retained real estate attorney Jason Rosenburg for help. "Charles has been my most consistent client" says Rosenburg, "In 2006 sixty five percent of my cases were evictions of Mr. Jackson housemates". In preparation for the eviction of Ms. Raye, Charles documented her daily routine:
10:30 AM-11:45: Hosts a free sewing club for disabled seniors (in complete violation of the maximum occupancy limits as detailed in the lease)
11:45 AM-12noon: light stretching with revealing clothes on. (as visible on the security cam)
12noon-1:30 PM: Makes sandwiches for area homeless (most likely used some of my Trader Joe's Spicy Mustard after she ran out of her mustard.... did not replace my bottle for two days.)
1:45-3:45: Teaches a course "how to give the perfect blow job" to local city college students.
4:00-5:30: Prepares an organic turkey pot pie surely thinking it's my favorite - but its not; as of Tuesday my favorite is chicken pot pie.
7:00 - Offers me a back massage which I know is meant to distract me from various lease violations. I once again refuse the insulting gesture.
8:15-8:20: Interrupts Episode 4, Season 2 of "Lost" twice to ask me if her new swimsuit is too revealing.
9:oo- 10:00: Prances from her room to the kitchen in lingerie for light snacks and water.
10pm-midnight: Three scantily clad barely legal teens arrive with cheerleader uniforms on and join Priya in her private quarters. All of the girls take turns yelling out: "I hope that no one opens the door and catches us being naughty". This is just more evidence that something naughty is likely happening.
"I've had to evict my last 11 roommates, I mean is there a normal human left on this earth"? Still Charles admits to holding out hope that eventually he will find someone who is good fit for his 1385 sq. foot apartment, "I've never been a quitter; that's not how I won the 2003 model rocket regional tournament and that's not how I'm going to approach finding the right roommate.... or prepping for the 2010 model rocket regional tournament.
The inappropriate behavior has only become worse with the warm weather according to Jackson. New complaints just turned in to Mr. Jackson's attorney indicate that Priya regularly washes her car and Mr. Jackson's car while wearing nothing more that a white tank top and bikini bottoms. Additionally, without even asking, she outfitted Mr. Jackson's 1992 Toyota Corolla with a hydrogen fuel cell that emits 0 carbon.
"Although Priya did extensive testing on the Hydrogen Fuel Cell she did not account whatsoever for any reduction in vehicle weight from the removal of the original gas engine. As a model rocket enthusiast I know that weight plays an important role in vehicles performance. Let's just say that I have sent some interesting information to Toyota Motor Corp. concerning Ms. Raye's unauthorized work; I'm just sayin is all" stated Jackson. 
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