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Rejected Pro Football Promo (Feat. John Mellencamp, America)
Rejected Pro Football Promo (Feat. John Mellencamp, America) -- powered by Cracked.com
Summer of Tears in connection with The Comedy Hub Network Video Series and Cracked.com
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The Folks at 'Summer of Tears' Have Done It Again...
So here you go thrillseekers:
Rejected Pro Football Promo (Feat. John Mellencamp, America) -- powered by Cracked.com
Summer of Tears in connection with The Comedy Hub Network Video Series and Cracked.com
Rejected Pro Football Promo (Feat. John Mellencamp, America) -- powered by Cracked.com
Summer of Tears in connection with The Comedy Hub Network Video Series and Cracked.com
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Mythical Chupacabra Revealed To Be Fergie
Husband Duhamel Blames Alcoholism For Not Connecting Dots
Sooner.
by: Arianna Smith, CHN 'Weekend Review". 6:30 PM PST
Hollywood, CA:
Los Angeles County Animal Control Chief Marcia Mayeda landed a big one this Sunday. Mayeda had been tracking Stacy Ferguson, aka 'Fergie', for 6 years at a cost of nearly 8.2 million dollars to the county. The daring capture of the pop star should finally bring "an end to nearly 20 years of maulings throughout Central and Latin America". The attacks have reportedly claimed 1000's of farm animals ranging from turkeys in Texas to goats in Colombia and Puerto Rico.
The killing and mutilation of the animals across the Mid-America's has puzzled biologists for decades. The single connecting factor in the killings was 'exsanguination' or bleeding out of the victims, hence the Spanish origin nickname 'Chupacabre' (literal translation: 'goat sucker').
Ferguson's husband, Josh Duhamel, admitted to TMZ that he was suspicious of "Fergie's late night disappearances and blood stained teeth... among other things." After visiting a caged and sedated Ferguson at the Baldwin Park Animal Control Shelter, Duhamel opened up to reporters admitting that: "It seemed like Fergie was always sort of a lone wolf; but I never realized that she was actually pretty much a literal lone wolf.
It had been rumored for some years that Fergie was very likely the actual Chupacabra because of the beasts detailed description from witnesses and expert trackers. Wikipedia consolidated those descriptions to the following:
"... a reptile-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back. This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo. It is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue, and large fangs. It is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave behind a sulfuric stench. When it screeches, some reports assert that the Chupacabra's eyes glow an unusual red which gives the witnesses nausea.
Animal Control Trapper Dave Negretti said that "given the description it was just a matter of time before we singled out and lured Fergie into a trap (set with live pigs and sheep) just outside of her Hollywood Hills home. After listening to her last album "The Dutchess" and reviewing upcoming tour dates...there really wasn't a moment to spare." Negretti believes that LA country taxpayers can "breath easier" knowing that the cost of bringing Fergie to justice "was a bargain when considering that LA County's investments in capturing other Cryptids such as the Yeti, Bigfoot, and the Loch Ness Monster have yielded no return to date."
The Black Eyed Peas issued a group statement via Twitter: "Although we technically lose no talent following the loss of Fergie as a contributor, we realize that we will immediately need a blond with the qualified T & A to guarantee future pop success and the stereotypical racial balance that America demands."
Sooner.
by: Arianna Smith, CHN 'Weekend Review". 6:30 PM PST
Hollywood, CA:Los Angeles County Animal Control Chief Marcia Mayeda landed a big one this Sunday. Mayeda had been tracking Stacy Ferguson, aka 'Fergie', for 6 years at a cost of nearly 8.2 million dollars to the county. The daring capture of the pop star should finally bring "an end to nearly 20 years of maulings throughout Central and Latin America". The attacks have reportedly claimed 1000's of farm animals ranging from turkeys in Texas to goats in Colombia and Puerto Rico.
The killing and mutilation of the animals across the Mid-America's has puzzled biologists for decades. The single connecting factor in the killings was 'exsanguination' or bleeding out of the victims, hence the Spanish origin nickname 'Chupacabre' (literal translation: 'goat sucker').
Ferguson's husband, Josh Duhamel, admitted to TMZ that he was suspicious of "Fergie's late night disappearances and blood stained teeth... among other things." After visiting a caged and sedated Ferguson at the Baldwin Park Animal Control Shelter, Duhamel opened up to reporters admitting that: "It seemed like Fergie was always sort of a lone wolf; but I never realized that she was actually pretty much a literal lone wolf.
It had been rumored for some years that Fergie was very likely the actual Chupacabra because of the beasts detailed description from witnesses and expert trackers. Wikipedia consolidated those descriptions to the following:
"... a reptile-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back. This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo. It is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue, and large fangs. It is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave behind a sulfuric stench. When it screeches, some reports assert that the Chupacabra's eyes glow an unusual red which gives the witnesses nausea.
Animal Control Trapper Dave Negretti said that "given the description it was just a matter of time before we singled out and lured Fergie into a trap (set with live pigs and sheep) just outside of her Hollywood Hills home. After listening to her last album "The Dutchess" and reviewing upcoming tour dates...there really wasn't a moment to spare." Negretti believes that LA country taxpayers can "breath easier" knowing that the cost of bringing Fergie to justice "was a bargain when considering that LA County's investments in capturing other Cryptids such as the Yeti, Bigfoot, and the Loch Ness Monster have yielded no return to date."
The Black Eyed Peas issued a group statement via Twitter: "Although we technically lose no talent following the loss of Fergie as a contributor, we realize that we will immediately need a blond with the qualified T & A to guarantee future pop success and the stereotypical racial balance that America demands."
Thursday, October 22, 2009
America's Youth Wondering WTF Went Wrong With Eddie Murphy?
Nations Teens Shocked To Find Out Murphy Was Once A Bad-Ass
by: Kylee Strutt, CHN Hollywood Editor, 5:30 Pm EST
Evansville, IA: Sixteen year old Skyler Mathis stumbled upon what seemed to be some sort of alternate universe when she uncovered her parents old VHS collection. Most notable were the apparent Eddie Murphy movies '48 Hours', 'Trading Places', and 'Coming to America'. Mathis, thinking the movies were the typical 'G' rated garbage that she was accustomed to seeing Murphy in, put the movies on while she babysat 10 year old neighbor Mathew Gruden.
Young Mathew and babysitter Skyler had no idea that they were about to begin a six-hour adventure of raucous comedy, sexual fantasy, and edgy race baiting mischief.
"For years I have been bored to tears with movies like 'Shrek' and 'Daddy Day Care', said pre-teen Mathew. Now I realize that Eddie Murphy was once a hardcore S.O.B.... who woulda thought?"
Upon returning home Mathew's parents were put into the same awkward position that many of adults today face on a regular basis: How to explain what the fuck went wrong with Eddie Murphy's career. Dr. James Dobson of 'Focus on the Family' fame has dealt with the issue from parents from across the country and referred CHN to a press release from his website:
The degradation of Eddie Murphy's work as an A-list actor of fulfilling movies to a shit-can voice over artist and two bit kiddie flick pusher is a difficult topic for Christian families. The message however is increasingly clear: Engaging in promiscuous sexual behavior in the back seat of a car with drugged up tranny always results in one losing their sense of reality, dignity, and the most basic intrinsic professional value of right vs. wrong... I think 'The Haunted Mansion' is a good example, that really sucked.
For most families the transition of exposing children to an Eddie Murphy worth watching is shaky and unpredictable. Dobson recommends that "...the best method is an impromptu after school showing of Eddies 1987 Classic 'Raw'. The 46 uses of "motherfucker" should ease America's youngsters towards a reasonable understanding of what Eddie use to be for all of us.
by: Kylee Strutt, CHN Hollywood Editor, 5:30 Pm EST
Evansville, IA: Sixteen year old Skyler Mathis stumbled upon what seemed to be some sort of alternate universe when she uncovered her parents old VHS collection. Most notable were the apparent Eddie Murphy movies '48 Hours', 'Trading Places', and 'Coming to America'. Mathis, thinking the movies were the typical 'G' rated garbage that she was accustomed to seeing Murphy in, put the movies on while she babysat 10 year old neighbor Mathew Gruden.
Young Mathew and babysitter Skyler had no idea that they were about to begin a six-hour adventure of raucous comedy, sexual fantasy, and edgy race baiting mischief."For years I have been bored to tears with movies like 'Shrek' and 'Daddy Day Care', said pre-teen Mathew. Now I realize that Eddie Murphy was once a hardcore S.O.B.... who woulda thought?"
Upon returning home Mathew's parents were put into the same awkward position that many of adults today face on a regular basis: How to explain what the fuck went wrong with Eddie Murphy's career. Dr. James Dobson of 'Focus on the Family' fame has dealt with the issue from parents from across the country and referred CHN to a press release from his website:
The degradation of Eddie Murphy's work as an A-list actor of fulfilling movies to a shit-can voice over artist and two bit kiddie flick pusher is a difficult topic for Christian families. The message however is increasingly clear: Engaging in promiscuous sexual behavior in the back seat of a car with drugged up tranny always results in one losing their sense of reality, dignity, and the most basic intrinsic professional value of right vs. wrong... I think 'The Haunted Mansion' is a good example, that really sucked.
For most families the transition of exposing children to an Eddie Murphy worth watching is shaky and unpredictable. Dobson recommends that "...the best method is an impromptu after school showing of Eddies 1987 Classic 'Raw'. The 46 uses of "motherfucker" should ease America's youngsters towards a reasonable understanding of what Eddie use to be for all of us.
*** The Comedy Hub Network ***
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Senior Citizen Promises "The More You Tailgate, The Slower I Drive"
Retiree Vows One Man Battle on Following Distance
by: Kaylee Strutt, CHN Traffic Correspondent, 11:00 AM PST
Glendale, CA: Mort Levinson has made a name for himself in the local community and he has certainly made his presence felt around his neighborhood and various surface streets along the I-210.
Mr. Levinson employs several 'safety' precautions during 'tailgating incidents' which seem to occur rather often. Glendale, in fact, has become the tailgating capital of the world according to Levinson. Mr. Levinson has developed specific procedures to deal with those that breech his safe zone. He begins by rapidly shifting his head and line of sight repeatedly between the rear view mirror and side mirror so that they know that he's 'on to them'. Then he taps the brakes several times to see if they are responsive to light stimulus; all the while chanting: “What is this joker doing” and “This will get em”.
Finally, Levinson reveals, “If they haven’t backed off yet I have no choice but to slam on my brakes and give them a taste of who they’re dealing with”.
“Mort has caused numerous multi-vehicle accidents in his neighborhood” reports LA County Sheriff Arthur Conway. “It’s very rare to see multi-vehicle pile-ups in residential areas but so far we have 36 on record since 1990 and he (Mort Levinson) has been the lead car each time”, reported the Sheriff.
“Let me explain something - I am a strict Constitutionalist”, Levinson insisted with a deep stare and long pause. “Do you think that our founding fathers threw extra words in the Constitution just to fill space? No, no they didn’t. If you think the DMV handbook is any different than you are nothing short of an Anarchist”.
According to the California Department of Motor Vehicles the safe following distance is one car length for every 10mph of speed.
“If you come inside that one car length zone – I have no choice but to immediately make a complete stop” admits Levinson. He continued, “The idea that I would accelerate just to bring you further out of compliance is pure hooey. After stopping, I can’t and wont pull forward until you back up to at least one car length. Eventually people will learn all this. Until then, I have to get out of my Le Sabre and tell them face to face that they have no right to operate a vehicle in this state”.
by: Kaylee Strutt, CHN Traffic Correspondent, 11:00 AM PST
Glendale, CA: Mort Levinson has made a name for himself in the local community and he has certainly made his presence felt around his neighborhood and various surface streets along the I-210.
Mr. Levinson employs several 'safety' precautions during 'tailgating incidents' which seem to occur rather often. Glendale, in fact, has become the tailgating capital of the world according to Levinson. Mr. Levinson has developed specific procedures to deal with those that breech his safe zone. He begins by rapidly shifting his head and line of sight repeatedly between the rear view mirror and side mirror so that they know that he's 'on to them'. Then he taps the brakes several times to see if they are responsive to light stimulus; all the while chanting: “What is this joker doing” and “This will get em”.
Finally, Levinson reveals, “If they haven’t backed off yet I have no choice but to slam on my brakes and give them a taste of who they’re dealing with”.“Mort has caused numerous multi-vehicle accidents in his neighborhood” reports LA County Sheriff Arthur Conway. “It’s very rare to see multi-vehicle pile-ups in residential areas but so far we have 36 on record since 1990 and he (Mort Levinson) has been the lead car each time”, reported the Sheriff.
“Let me explain something - I am a strict Constitutionalist”, Levinson insisted with a deep stare and long pause. “Do you think that our founding fathers threw extra words in the Constitution just to fill space? No, no they didn’t. If you think the DMV handbook is any different than you are nothing short of an Anarchist”.
According to the California Department of Motor Vehicles the safe following distance is one car length for every 10mph of speed.
“If you come inside that one car length zone – I have no choice but to immediately make a complete stop” admits Levinson. He continued, “The idea that I would accelerate just to bring you further out of compliance is pure hooey. After stopping, I can’t and wont pull forward until you back up to at least one car length. Eventually people will learn all this. Until then, I have to get out of my Le Sabre and tell them face to face that they have no right to operate a vehicle in this state”.
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